Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Year's Resolution: Date more hot women. Amended: Date more. Amended: Get a date. Amended: Stop crying while taking cold showers.

   It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.

   I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.

   Welcome to Facebook - A friendly happy place where you can be pretend sociel while being antisocial.

   Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.

   I wish all women online were in 3D. That's my apartment #. 3D

   If you really think about it, "F**k You" is a compliment.

   I have two snakes strapped to my windscreen. They're my vipers.

   No disrespect to the Vatican, but the actual first Sunday in Ordinary Time is the first Sunday after the Super Bowl.

   I'm on this new diet. I only eat after my wife agrees to sex. So far I've lost 72lbs.

   Reminder for this weekend..Avoid hangover.........stay drunk...

   I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, milking the cows, slopping the hogs, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   At what age do you stop needing deodorants and start smelling like mothballs? (Asking for a friend.)

   People say "love' is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

   What if it was April fools of next year when someone finally reveals to you the self quarantine ended 11 months ago.

   Whelp now I know how Howard Hughes felt while self isolating, except for the little fact that don't have 11 billion dollars for food and toilet paper deliveries.

   Day #....idk....of staying home and everything is great! even though I don't know what day this is, or how many days I've been awake, or if I can eat these flowers?

   Your pets are going to light your sh*t on fire in rage when you start going out again post quarantine, fyi.

   Chances of me doing anything at work today are about hahahahahahahahahahaha%.

   Hey Jude. I ran out of advice, so I'm just going to go nah nah nah nah for the next nine minutes.