Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently today is Mother-In-Law day. Who knew

   Vacation's over. Downside? Fewer status messages for you. Upside? Less me.

   The most productive and efficient thing about me is my liver

   How many calories does avoiding responsibility burn? Asking for a friend.

   Chivalry never goes out of style. Open doors, pull out chairs, and offer to undo your own belts.

   The world is our oyster (aphrodisiacs) which means the world makes us horny. and that is why it is perfectly natural that we should have sex right here, right now, and yet, in spite of the validity of my argument, this pickup line does not work.

   Give me enough booze and I can be anybody's spirit animal.

   When you decide to not talk bad about people, it really shortens the conversation

   thinks you should take up jogging!! Zombies hate fast food.

   Let me raise a glass in your honor so I can smash it against your head.

   I've done a lot of stuff to see beautiful women naked....but Twitter has got to be the most labor intensive

   First it was the infamous bus driver uppercut. Again another bus driver, gets into an altercation with another young girl, this time over loud music. Good idea for a game consult?

   to you it's a 6 pack... to me.... it's a support group

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   According to planned parenthood we have a new Pope! Welcome Pope Smear. I personally would have voted for Pope Awheelie..

   Went trolling on a dating website. Caught 7 trolls...

   This whole time I thought they were using reverse psychology on me, so I say yes to drugs. (

   under demonic possession until tomorrow when I tell her it's just not working out. .  

   anyone out there paying attention.... good.... carry on ... if ya happened to wake up at the end of this status go back to sleep .... ... it has little or no ethereal value anyway....

   Apparently this end of the world rapture thing is today, unfortunately I regret to inform you the 1124 fast track train to 'HELL' is delayed due to an earlier signal fault and over running engineering works, Oh well