Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.

   Love is never wrong...Especially when that love is between two young carefree ladies who have wandering hands and a deep curiosity for experimentation...Yea that's some real love :)

   Sarah Palin must be looking at Michele Bachmann and feeling the way the Jonas Brothers felt about Justin Bieber.

   The ice cream man has been turning his music off on our block since the day we paid with a protein-crusted sock full of corroded pennies.

   I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."

   To prevent addiction, candy companies are forced to insert the yellow ones.

   I swear, it's like I'm creating FB statuses with my brother's kids or somethin'. You nerve-wrackin' sons-a-b!tches.

   (tune of row your boat) Roll roll roll your joint, twist it at the end. Spark it up and take a hit, pass it to a friend!

   Why does a hooker make more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re-sell it!

   Everybody wear a Facebook t-shirt and FlashMob 8am at MySpace HQ when Tom gets to work. Be there!

   How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy,

   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

   One good way to reduce alcohol consumption, before marriage drink when your sad, after marriage drink when your happy.

   Here's a tip for those that tan: If you end up lookin' like you rolled around in a bunch of Dorito's, you overdid it.

   Three fun thing to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart."

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.

   What's with all these Facebook quizzes? Does it look like I give a shlt about what type of chocolate I am?

   So, I'm at the crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony is clearly not here... What a waste of time, and gas.

   Im opening up an all female casino... Liquor in the front, Poker in the back.

   If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs with Socks... and then kill himself.