Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're clearly God's gift to women...if God shopped at the dollar store.

   sippin coffee on the porch swing trying to wake up when I catch sight of a wiener dog chasing a pinto car down the road ...today is going to be EPIC!!!

   I've recently found out that I can be a pain in my own ass...

   Just saw a holstein on a church lawn....holy cow!

   Hi, I'm a chick. I like long walks around football stadiums, am interested in sexist jokes about my own gender, and I'm strongly talented in the art of shutting up. Unfortunately, I'm the only one...

   Why can't they shoot porn in HD 3D?

   Remember the olden days when girls who didn't have titties would just wear shirts that show off their bellybutton. "i got no boobs but I got a bellybutton!"

   In life you've got to learn to take your time with things. That's why I went to the first grade twice.

   You know you're drunk when you're at the bar. And everytime you're trying to find the bathroom feels like the first time you tried to find the bathroom

   say NO hickeys .

   I hate a liar more than a thief, a thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   Quick...I am a nervous wreck, hand me a brush and let me paint a Bob Ross Happy Tree!!

   Going to lite that fuse on your tampon if you dont shut up

   Like a Wierd Neighbor, State farm is there

   What good is one phone call in jail if they won't let me use my cell to find the number, no one remembers phone numbers these days!

   I'd tell you to go to hell, but I damn work there, and wouldn't want to see you everyday.

   Two Lovers plan to sucide. Boy jumped first. Girl closed her eyes and return backsaying 'Love Is Blind.' Boy in air 0pen his parachute saying 'Love Never Dies to'.

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   You don't even know how many public pools you can get into for free with a bunch of sunblock on your nose and a whistle.

   I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.