Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.

   I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Larry Smith in Silver Spring, Maryland. ''There are multiple listings for Larry Smith, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake."''

   Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.

   99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!

   My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

   Behind every woman is a man looking at other ones.

   If you write ohkk or ohk or k for okay, it's possible we won't get along. Okay or OK is okay. Ohkk or k is not okay. Okay?

   If you love something set it free, if it comes back set it free again because nobody else loved it either

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store.

   Shout out to all my fans out there! [mom stands up and waves]

   Pro Tip: Apparently, 20 minutes is "too soon" to tell the new employee that the company is a godawful living hell of misery and despair.

   I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more because I need to meet my FitBit daily goals.

   Furlough 5k Fun Run......It will be fun... When you finished the race you get sent home with nothing ...

   I suggested to a girl who listed her relationship as "It's Complicated", to allow me come over and add to the complication.

   today was a female canine kind of a day!

   sometimes I think love is like bigfoot......other people claim they have seen it & experienced it but I don't think I ever will

   I would never argue with a female I'm not sleeping with.

   Men that make their women laugh get lots of sex - Science

   The only benefit to getting up early is being the a$$hole who tells everyone how early he got up.

   I've given up trying to kill you for lent, enjoy your life for the next 38 days.