Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife, it's a good thing she wasn't underage or that would've been awkward.

   If you send me a friend request and your profile picture is a car, I will assume your a transformer

   I have been misled. Life is not a box of Chocolates. It's a tin of mixed nuts at best.

   Lindsay Lohan has been released, so hide your jewelry....

   To my son's future girlfriends: If you ever want him to, you know, go down there, then just shave it into a dinosaur shape. That's how we got him to eat chicken.

   ♫ “The best part of waking up…. is not dying in your sleep!” ♫

   Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?"

   Gotta love Facebook... I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6.

   If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

   Dear driver of the car in front of me.... you do not make that amount of effort and beat me off the lights, only to go and drive under the speed limit. You.... are a b!tch

   She wanted us to stop fighting and try to speak the same language... I said Mooooo

   You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 420 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person.

   Why is it called a bull riding “accident” when the bull ends up hurting the rider? If someone strapped a rope around my nuts, wanted a piggy back ride, then proceeded to spur my ass, my wanting to f*ck them up would be no accident.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

   It's that time to year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last summer.

   "Thy will, not my will. Think about the ramifications of those words. Let them sink in...because it will flip your world upside down in the best possible way."

   Morning Glory Evening Grace

   Who stopped payment on my reality check?

   And the person you'd take a bullet for is the one pulling the trigger.

   Sometimes its funny how the person you wana catch the grenade for is the one throwing it at you.