Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Drinking Without Breathing

   If someone tells you they don't like bacon, you should just stop talking to them. No one needs that kind of negativity in their lives.

   Ladies, if you suspect your man of cheating and you know where the "mystery" woman lives... drive by the house and if the WiFi connects you have your answer.

   note to self for next Christmas..... don't leave deer jerky out for Santa - cookies are a better choice...

   pissed when I wake up in the morning and dont feel like P.Diddy.

   Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~ "Oh Crap, She's up!"

   Damn!!!...If you gonna be two faced, girl, at least make one of them look pretty...!!!!!

   Someone should help Rihanna. She likes rude boys, loves being lied to, thinks she's the only girl in the world & has forgotten her name

   guy from arkansas said "they need to find out what is going on with the birds we dont need dead birds flying around" and you might be a dumass

   Dear radio stations. I appreciate that you waited until after Thanksgiving to start in with the Christmas music... but could you tone it down a little bit? You're gonna kill it for me if it goes on like this for a month. Thank you

   wishes he was in Tijuana, eating BBQ'd iguana.

   Congratulations! You're not illiterate

   DVD is to VHS as facebook is to myspace

   Vagiinas are like the weather if its raining and wet, Its time to go inside!

   (._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rollin. They hatin!

   I heard it's pretty hard to get a medical marijuana card. I'll be right back, I'm gonna go jump off my roof!

   NASA has confirmed that on December 21, late afternoon, the sky will go very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".

   Melania Trump just reported a suspicious small package in her bedroom.

   Donald Trump is the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him.

   VUVUZELA the most despised and annoying musical PLASTIC device since Michael Jackson !