Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when people say like, "I gotta get my body right for this summer like exercises and tan." ok fine...like, wtf are you going to do about your damn face???

   Plan A doesn't work in your love life, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   I like going to McDonald's and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and yell "HA! Like I'd work here. Get me a chocolate shake."

   Ale-Ale-Andro, Judas, Juda-ah-ah, Pa-Pa-Pa-Pokerface, Te-Te-Te-Telephone... I think lady gaga has a studdering problem.

   Just found out "suns" upside down is still "suns"

   If girls could read my mind, I'd would get punched in the face a lot.

   The Weird moment when somebody is cross-eyed and you dont know which eye to look at.

   MySpace and Facebook got a divorce... Looks like Facebook got custody of all the kids.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.

   College was the most expensive nap I ever took.

   there a mouse that doesn't make a clicking noise as I'm trying to close 10 windows when my boss walks into my office?

   Facebook is worth $100 billion. That's just in lost productivity.

   I wish I could talk like fez from the 70 show. "good day, I said good day

   All dogs go to heaven. All cats go to purr-gatory.

   Alcohol may be my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy....

   When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide

   Getting pretty stoked for all the Facebook albums of sh!tty firework pictures I'm gonna see next week!

   Just saw the tums commercial with the corn dog smacking the guy in the face. It would be much better if it was the girl getting smacked with the corn dog.

   38sec -The male minute-

   Does any one have the answer to this::::: If Cinderella's Shoe Fits perfectly, then why did it fall off....??