Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh dear god. Please get these feelings off of me.

   I think there should be something in science called "the reindeer effect". I don't know what it would be, but it would be cool to hear someone say "Gentleman what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect"

   Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a Pterodactyl on the coffee table.

   A poll finds Donald J. Trump is less likable as the often criticized Canadian rock band Nickelback and even less favourable than a root canal.

   Black Friday: Because it's supposed to look like a riot

   We Want Top Gear Back Now

   "OMG, Have you heard the news?" "Yeah, they totally carried Huey Louis"

   I Love the taste of you first thing in the morning. Me *talking to my coffee

   What's yellow and has wheels?... A banana, I lied about the wheels... Next question

   Enjoy your last 24 hours before S̶k̶y̶n̶e̶t̶ Windows 10 ta̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ is installed.

   A Higgs Boson walks into a church admiring the stained glass. A priest walks up and says," We don't allow your kind of particle in here." The Higgs Boson replies, " But without me, you can't have mass."

   ust looked up from my phone and realized I was sitting in a restaurant that closed in 2007.

   I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.

   NASA scientist sees me eating a corn chip I found in my shoe and cancels the program to stop an asteroid hitting the Earth

   What if Donald Trumps Batman?

   Plaxico Burress is out of jail today... Only a black man would be sent to jail for 2 years for shooting himself...

   So if Justin Bieber has his own cologne...I def think its about time I came up with one of my own..Not sure what too call it tho..They say you should name it after things you like..So I am really leaning toward naming it "Ode to BoobiesVajayjayNinjaFight"

   treat everything like a dog would. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.

   checked in at Charlie Sheen's Bungalow

   saying "black and yellow black and yellow"... sounds like a R. Kelly home made video.