Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shot an Elephant in my pajamas.... How he got in my pajamas i'll never know.

   Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?

   Whatta ya call Kellyann in 6 months? A waitress....

   I can think of one group of workers who are doing much better under this Trump presidency....comedians

   As soon as them illegal dreamers is gone, I'm gonna get me one of them technology jobs they stole from me.

   That Awkward Moment when you realise the person you dating has always looked like that. You just never noticed cause you were whipped!

   I here Weiner is on suicide watch. Someone's afraid he's gonna choke himself to death.........

   Dear driver of the car in front of me.... you do not make that amount of effort and beat me off the lights, only to go and drive under the speed limit. You.... are a b!tch

   The capital of Montana is not Hannah.

   likes to sell things to guys with fake hair just so he can say, "How are you going Toupée?"

   Females that utter males terms such as "Suck My D*ck" will NEVER get married.

   Dear periods, You are the true definition of "bloody hell." Sincerely, Girls

   notices that ever since they invented Viagra; I never get called to 'stand=in' for John Holmes anymore....

   wondering, if a turtle had no shell, would it be homeless or naked?

   Rehab is for quiters

   FACEBOOK ALERT: Lebron James is now in a relationship with Lebron James.

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   (_|_) (_/_) (_\_) doin the Happy Dance!!

   To who ever invented the padded bra... THANK YOU

   Going nite nite... if you see me in your dreams don't forget to say hello.