Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And you thought a female would be too emotional to be president?

   Sex isn't sex without hair pulling, ass grabbing, neck holding, legs folding, lip biting, neck sucking, pillow biting, back scratching, etc.

   Heard a song by Stevie Wonder on the radio. My wife said "I'd like to see Stevie". I replied "He would, too."

   I was at my date's house and told her "I sure hope your couch pulls out, cause I don't."

   Maybe Taylor Swift should try dating an Arab. It might not work out but at least he'll make sure she doesn't live to write another song.

   Being strong-willed does NOT mean I am a b itch. It means I am in control of my life, stick to what I believe in and do NOT rely on anyone but myself.

   I shot an Elephant in my pajamas.... How he got in my pajamas i'll never know.

   Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?

   Whatta ya call Kellyann in 6 months? A waitress....

   I can think of one group of workers who are doing much better under this Trump presidency....comedians

   As soon as them illegal dreamers is gone, I'm gonna get me one of them technology jobs they stole from me.

   That Awkward Moment when you realise the person you dating has always looked like that. You just never noticed cause you were whipped!

   I here Weiner is on suicide watch. Someone's afraid he's gonna choke himself to death.........

   Dear driver of the car in front of me.... you do not make that amount of effort and beat me off the lights, only to go and drive under the speed limit. You.... are a b!tch

   The capital of Montana is not Hannah.

   likes to sell things to guys with fake hair just so he can say, "How are you going Toupée?"

   Females that utter males terms such as "Suck My D*ck" will NEVER get married.

   Dear periods, You are the true definition of "bloody hell." Sincerely, Girls

   notices that ever since they invented Viagra; I never get called to 'stand=in' for John Holmes anymore....

   wondering, if a turtle had no shell, would it be homeless or naked?