Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Probably just me, but the "&" sign looks like a guy rubbing his ass on the ground.

   They named it ‘cunnilingus' because “sweetly savoring slippery succulent sexiness” was too long.

   Voting for president is getting to the point where it's simply which guy would you rather watch dump all your money into a toilet and flush.

   I'm sorry. I didn't hear a word you said because you are an adult with braces.

   Oh, happy day! This week, Hollywood will be celebrating the 25th anniversary of the release of "Dirty Dancing". Pardon me while I vomit.

   “Look at my face, does it look like I care?” – “Well by looking at your face, God didn’t care either.”

   WIFE: You only hear what you want to hear! ME: Sure, I wouldn't mind a blow job as a matter of fact.

   I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"

   Bacon jokes are so played. $hut up already and just go buy some.

   Corvettes... Making haters hate since 1953.

   ‪#‎bringbackourboys‬ Lets make peace not war. Lets love and not hate. We are all the same. We all have the same inspirations in life. Let's do good for each other and stop the hatred.

   It takes a 75% vote to be inducted to the Hall of Fame but only 9 people to decide for 500 million Americans ... Hmmmm

   How many Susan Boyle's does it take to change a lightbulb? AGHHH, Turn it off, turn it off!!

   singing...I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go....

   The other day I threw a boomerang at a ghost. I knew it would come back to haunt me.

   Please put this on your status if you know, or are related to, someone killed on the Death Star. People must understand that the Rebel Alliance is a band of murdering scum. The Empire wants only to bring peace to the galaxy but these rebels continue to ki

   This status update is not available in your country.

   I wonder what is more of a rarity, a four-leaf clover or a heterosexual cowboys fan?

   You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

   How many BBQ's do I have to get drunk at to prove I love Australia???