Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   attention: Helen Waite is now in charge of my schedule. if you need me to do anything just go to Helen Waite.

   ate broccoli twice yesterday and now his car smells like a mobile crematorium that only cooks buttholes.

   I'm going to be the first person to walk on the sun... I know what ur thinking an I've got it all figured out... I'm going at night.

   I found a pillbug. He curled into a ball. That's how he rolls.

   We should sentence Casey Anthony to 4 years of watching Tyler Perry movies.

   My friend accused me of gossiping. I took offense because I've heard from several sources that she is the one that gossips.

   Girls: Going into detail about your period is about as attractive as a guy trying to detail the smell of his brother's scrotum.

   guess what I found under the Christmas tree??? Floor tiles!

   A Real Man Shows His Love To His Woman Daily. He Needs No Special Occasions, Holidays Or Her Birthday, He Just Spontaneously Does Things

   I think Miley killed Chucky Cheese and wore him to the VMA's

   Probably just me, but the "&" sign looks like a guy rubbing his ass on the ground.

   They named it ‘cunnilingus' because “sweetly savoring slippery succulent sexiness” was too long.

   Voting for president is getting to the point where it's simply which guy would you rather watch dump all your money into a toilet and flush.

   I'm sorry. I didn't hear a word you said because you are an adult with braces.

   Oh, happy day! This week, Hollywood will be celebrating the 25th anniversary of the release of "Dirty Dancing". Pardon me while I vomit.

   “Look at my face, does it look like I care?” – “Well by looking at your face, God didn’t care either.”

   WIFE: You only hear what you want to hear! ME: Sure, I wouldn't mind a blow job as a matter of fact.

   I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"

   Bacon jokes are so played. $hut up already and just go buy some.

   Corvettes... Making haters hate since 1953.