Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.

   nobody, and I mean nobody has less street cred than a brother named Cody...

   What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ

   I didn't lose a follower I gained an enemy.

   I haven't spoken to anyone the whole day is this normal?

   Well that was a weird phone call. Who in the hell calls people at random and makes farting noises, laughs then hangs up? Wait a minute, I think I used to do that years ago ... maybe not so weird after all.

   Before I propose can I see you in your natural form at least once without all the makeup, the fake nails, eye lashes, and hair. Just so I can decide if I am comfortable with what I am dealing with.

   I'm just sayin it's times like these that I'm thankful for the health of my imaginary girlfriend.... Blessed

   "Don't bother to ever clean your car. Febreeze vent clips allow you to be as digusting as you want, and you'll never smell it. Why not crap in it?" (The message I got from the commercial. Idiocracy, here we come...)

   I don’t always drink beer, but when I do it’s because I’m thirsty.

   If you listen to your heart please see a doctor cause it isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you.

   My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.

   I don’t believe man evolved from a lower species. Boy, I’m glad I got that monkey off my back!!

   Quadaffi doesn't know what he's talking about. Al Qaeda spiked my coffee with acid and I don't want to destroy anything. All I want to do is wander around the landscape of my old copy of Myst and listen to Ozric Tentacles.

   still has the christmas tree up in her room. I'm not a procrastinator, just an over achiever.

   just separated 48 banana Runts from the other flavors out of the box. I feel like I just deprived a village of tiny monkeys food for a month

   BBC News: Borrowers still struggle to get onto first rung of the housing ladder. I'm not surprised, the poor b-starrds are f-kin tiny.

   "Silence is the best answer for all questions" "Smiling is the best reaction in all situations".

   Generally, I'm a nice person. Just don't push the b**ch button.

   Everyone does about ten sit ups every morning. It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.