Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   20 minutes later, and I can't remember who I "sanded my wood" to. I have to find better imaginary girlfriends.

   If I wanted to see American Horror Story I would just stalk the Kardashians

   You wouldn't think I've ever had a stroke unless you saw me trying to get my wallet out my back pocket while driving.

   Happy Mardi Gras Everyone, Party yourself in oblivion.

   Chris Dorner must have been pretty serious about Ash Wednesday when he set fire to that house.

   goto yahoo, then click "Best and worst dressed at Oscars", first pic Halle Berry, second pic Pinocchio....

   Oscars - some award show for boring movies I will probably never watch even if they paid me.

   When I die, I'm going to have a music player built into my headstone. Just so people can dance on my grave.

   Don't forget comic relief this year. Just R50 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and a girlfriend.

   I'm so selfish for complaining about being sick with the flu for 5 days now. Just saw Justin Bieber collapsed. Horrifying...

   This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.

   nobody, and I mean nobody has less street cred than a brother named Cody...

   What do you get when you alternate eating cheese and granola? Natures very own 'thunder beads'! BOOM! ツ

   I didn't lose a follower I gained an enemy.

   I haven't spoken to anyone the whole day is this normal?

   Well that was a weird phone call. Who in the hell calls people at random and makes farting noises, laughs then hangs up? Wait a minute, I think I used to do that years ago ... maybe not so weird after all.

   Before I propose can I see you in your natural form at least once without all the makeup, the fake nails, eye lashes, and hair. Just so I can decide if I am comfortable with what I am dealing with.

   I'm just sayin it's times like these that I'm thankful for the health of my imaginary girlfriend.... Blessed

   "Don't bother to ever clean your car. Febreeze vent clips allow you to be as digusting as you want, and you'll never smell it. Why not crap in it?" (The message I got from the commercial. Idiocracy, here we come...)

   I don’t always drink beer, but when I do it’s because I’m thirsty.