Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! -->"

   Dear FAMILY: Thanks so much for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. Now I can have disappointment for breakfast.

   Relax. Let the world turn without your help. Don't try so hard to be in control of everything.

   I feel the need to comment on the amount of energy we are expending on attempting to organize and control chaos. Life is fluid, my friends. The tighter you try to squeeze it, the more of it that escapes your between your fingers. Relax. Let t

   You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be used as a flotation device.

   Requesting the Mariachi to play "La Cucaracha" at a Mexican Restaurant is not a good idea but I'll do it cause I'm gangsta.

   Anytime someone says their going to delete their Facebook remember to ask for goodbye sex first

   NASCAR in Kentucky, I have not seen this many rednecks fired up about something since RedMan started using resealable pouches.

   Sometimes I regret bringing sexy back.

   Next time you try talking to a group of people who claim they can't speak English, just say, “Ok, I'm about to punch everyone who's shoes are untied.” You'll be amazed at how many people will look down.

   My co worker asked if I could help file some documents. I said I was working on a huge project while she watched me play solitaire.

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your relationship status to 'single' and wait 5 minutes.

   Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.

   Guys, she makes you guess what's wrong, so you unknowingly give her other sh!t to be mad about too.

   I wish people were like money,so you could hold them up to the light to see which one's are real and which one's are fake.

   Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

   In her defense my mom used to say "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it"...

   When I see someone driving the same car I'm driving, I always peer in to make sure it's not me from another dimension.

   Hmmm....not quite sure who I'm doing this weekend yet.

   why is everyone in love with their hair these days? I hate my hair ..cause it's so FREAKIN AWESOME!!