Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   its hard "not to judge a book by its cover" when its barely covered, orange, wearing pounds of makeup, fake eyelashes, and bleach blonde.

   Eagles deflated tom brady

   I don't care about rules because I'm a rebel, man. Yesterday I got on a bus and I stood in front of the white line and talked to the driver about Fight Club while the bus was moving.

   All this talk about egg rolls is making me hungry for Chinese foood.

   My wife said I should stop using Facebook and take her to shopping, or else she'll hit my head on keyboard, but haha who caresbggsshhdggdhbgshhnnxggsgsbbie...

   Why do people wear face masks in their Facebook profile picture, I mean come on now this is Facebook not the supermarket.

   Just when I'm happy to be alive, The Connors comes on.

   Final Brexit tally is in: 48% Sense and Sensibility, 52% Pride and Prejudice.

   Mommy Mommy , I don't want to go see grandma .. Shut up and keep digging !

   After Trump Implodes: Twitter will become so boring, all we'll have is Kardashian/Swift feuds.

   Now Trump is accusing Obama of being the founder of NSYNC. Which in some ways is even more offensive.

   When our baby craps her diaper, my wife says, "she made daddy a present" so now our 4 year old brings me his turds...

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   Dr. Oz pledges to avoid questions Trump doesn't want to answer. It's no big deal; it's not like he's a real journalist. Or a real Doctor.

   Trump's appearance on Dr. Oz will solely be for publicity and has nothing to do with real medical information. Same as all the other episodes.

   Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

   will Hurricane Matthew be followed by hurricanes Mark, Luke & John?

   Please, Hillary. Please drop the fock ded.

   So the nurse was explaining that they needed a semen, stool, and urine sample. I thanked her for being so quick as I tossed her my underwear.

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.