Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I want you to shove it in my mouth and choke me with it" ~ Me, ordering at the Cheesecake Factory

   if my girl drops $50 while we're walking, then it's her lucky day because I'm picking it up and i'm going to be a great boyfriend and buy her lunch.....

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.

   Just what is DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and Why are we saving so much of it? Why can't the time change kick in on a Friday at 4pm?

   Like my uncle Gary always used to say, "Don't bother, they won't beleive you anyway"

   I've thought of becoming vegetarian but I can never find any bacon seeds for the garden

   If you Google 'Big Bang Theory' the TV show outranks where ther Universe came from. Take that, existence!

   What if I actually used to have a teenage son but his "I wish I was never born" wish came true after the fight we had when I asked him to take out the garbage? ...Take care son, Daddy loves you!

   I'll never be the one to cast the first stone, but I'll sure as hell cast the second one.

   There is never just one reality, we each have our own version.

   A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.

   You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?

   I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.

   I thought about you this morning. I was cleaning my gun.

   Last night she told me my pick up lines are lame I'm never taking advices from a bartender named Isaac on a cruise ship ever again..

   Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son

   If there were only some way I could change my profile pic here on Facebook with minimal effort on my part and a simple click of a button that shows I support a good cause.....Someone needs to get on this.

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're driving through a McDonald's.

   65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.

   Was visiting New York and asked someone, "How do I get to Carnegie hall?" The said, "Practice man, practice."