Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if I actually used to have a teenage son but his "I wish I was never born" wish came true after the fight we had when I asked him to take out the garbage? ...Take care son, Daddy loves you!

   I'll never be the one to cast the first stone, but I'll sure as hell cast the second one.

   There is never just one reality, we each have our own version.

   A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.

   You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?

   I think the worst fate would be a mime stuck in an actual soundproof invisible box.

   I thought about you this morning. I was cleaning my gun.

   Last night she told me my pick up lines are lame I'm never taking advices from a bartender named Isaac on a cruise ship ever again..

   Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son

   If there were only some way I could change my profile pic here on Facebook with minimal effort on my part and a simple click of a button that shows I support a good cause.....Someone needs to get on this.

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're driving through a McDonald's.

   65% of parenting is figuring out what the heck your kid is pointing at and then acknowledging it before he melts down.

   Was visiting New York and asked someone, "How do I get to Carnegie hall?" The said, "Practice man, practice."

   I'm almost perfect when I heavily edit my selfies.

   Love me like Oprah loves bread!

   I think after this Saturday night I'll be 85% lesbian.

   I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.

   Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

   There is nothing like waking up with a pedestrian stuck to your bumper

   Always love April 21st as it's Random Drug Testing Day at work.