Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4690 of 6370
Cannot wait for this new Magic Mike movie -Said no man ever
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02-04-2015 15:11
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I tried j*rking off with my left hand and, it doesn't feel so right
"I want you to shove it in my mouth and choke me with it" ~ Me, ordering at the Cheesecake Factory
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02-11-2015 08:16
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if my girl drops $50 while we're walking, then it's her lucky day because I'm picking it up and i'm going to be a great boyfriend and buy her lunch.....
I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.
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02-24-2015 15:41 by Mark M
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Just what is DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME and Why are we saving so much of it? Why can't the time change kick in on a Friday at 4pm?
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03-08-2015 07:46
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Like my uncle Gary always used to say, "Don't bother, they won't beleive you anyway"
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03-20-2015 15:18
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I've thought of becoming vegetarian but I can never find any bacon seeds for the garden
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03-21-2015 17:54 by Eddy
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If you Google 'Big Bang Theory' the TV show outranks where ther Universe came from. Take that, existence!
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04-13-2015 09:36
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Was visiting New York and asked someone, "How do I get to Carnegie hall?" The said, "Practice man, practice."
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01-23-2016 20:39
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I'm almost perfect when I heavily edit my selfies.
Love me like Oprah loves bread!
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02-07-2016 14:07 by McKibben
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I think after this Saturday night I'll be 85% lesbian.
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03-12-2016 16:35
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I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.
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03-18-2016 12:56 by SEAN
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.
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03-29-2016 09:35
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There is nothing like waking up with a pedestrian stuck to your bumper
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04-01-2016 11:54
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...... People at these rest area restrooms are creepy ... the guy in stall next to me makes wierd noises and has four feet
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05-15-2016 20:13
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When s**t happens turn it into fertilizer.
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05-24-2016 09:49
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Nukes don't kill people either, so we may as well stop trying to control that.
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06-14-2016 15:16
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Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?
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06-20-2014 00:51
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