Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should serve watermelons at every place in the world that has chicken on their menu.

   Oh life I love you, specially your things I mean living things, some of them are severely cool

   Just got my ass kicked pretty bad ...man I'll never shadow box again

   likes to sell things to guys with fake hair just so he can say, "How are you going Toupée?"

   stop chasing girls chase money cause when you got money they chase you....and I'm slow they always catch me :)

   I wonder if the guy that changes Casey Anthony's oil knows a thing or two about brakes and being a national hero?

   mentally catapulting Angry Birds at the car in front of me...

   Theirs a reason the rear-view mirror is small & the windshield is big, where you are heading is much more important than what you left behind.

   Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.

   I ate so many Popsicles yesterday that I just farted a rainbow ..

   An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   Hey Harry Potter fans: If you stay to the end of the credits, there is a footage of J.K.Rowling swimming in her money bin like Scrooge McDuck.

   What a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today.

   That rather uncomfortable moment when you see a really really really ugly person and you thank god that the person can't read minds.

   (Login to Facebook)...(No NEW notifications/messages/requests)....(Checks News Feed,..Nothing interesting)....(LOG OFF).......(Repeats in the next 7 minutes)

   When humans mutilate and dismember each other in movies it's Rated R, but apparently when Autobots and Decepticons do it it's PG-13.

   Hey Harry Potter fans: If you stay to the end of the credits, there is a footage of J.K.Rowling rolling around in a pile of money, then snorting it.

   No one ever is as good looking as his/her profile pic, and as ugly as his/her driving license.

   This really ugly girl asked me earlier... if I thought she was attractive. I didnt want to be mean and I also didnt want to lie. So I thought for a second and told her I thought she was "Wal-Mart Sexy".

   ‎Some girls are angels and some are devils smart enough to look like one