Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if they call loacal area networks in Australia the LAN Down Under!!!!!

   Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

   wonders how we are so concerned with automobile safety (airbags, crumple zones, antilock brakes), yet some will jump on an open sled from the 1870's and go 90 mph down a channel without a second thought!

   a fear of heights: Jackson Heights, Crown Heights, Washington Heights

   Woman talk too much, the good ones, get paid well for it: OPRAH!

   I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

   thinks it would be cool if Oprah would give audience members a free Winnebago, a gift-card to Walmart, and a thong with an big "O" on it.

   why do boogers hang on to your finger like their life depended on it.

   Over/Under - Brett Farve: 70 sexting messages to NY woman while in town.

   People are posting all their feelings on facebook; well you wanna know what I'm feeling… I don't wanna hear about your sh*t!!!

   I could never own a Jaguar because I'm embarrassed to pronounce it like the D-Bags that own them do.

   has turned on Airplane mode on his Palm Pre, but so far it hasn't taken off.

   I bet the last song LIL WAYNE wants to hear in prison is LICK IT LIKE A LOLLIPOP

   changed his profile picture. Now I look a little less ugly

   I think that all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   thinks farmville is o.k. but pharmville is a blast.

   I'm on this insane diet. So far, I've lost my mind.

   The clean up in the Gulf is going well. My seabass I ordered was a quart low.

   Dear Friday: You have been gone all week, no visit, no call, no nothing. For some reason your absense doesn't bother me, I am glad to see you again...so is my liver, Cheers!

   Don't forget to proudly wave our American flags made in China today..