Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   remembers being a kid thinking "I wish dad would pull his pants down from below his shoulders." Now I wonder if my grandkids will be looking at my son thinking "I wish my dad would pull his pants off the ground."

   just bought a loaf of bread and a tube of Vagisil for my wife.....now there's a major Catch-22.

   There's a reason why the word semen falls smack dab in the middle of amusement!

   If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either

   with out ME, you're just AWESO

   Oppenheimer's famous sentence : That was a big@$$ f*ckin' eXplosion, man !!!

   "Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall"

   looking forward to the next Kanye apology for being an idiot!

   wondering if they call loacal area networks in Australia the LAN Down Under!!!!!

   Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

   wonders how we are so concerned with automobile safety (airbags, crumple zones, antilock brakes), yet some will jump on an open sled from the 1870's and go 90 mph down a channel without a second thought!

   a fear of heights: Jackson Heights, Crown Heights, Washington Heights

   Woman talk too much, the good ones, get paid well for it: OPRAH!

   I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

   thinks it would be cool if Oprah would give audience members a free Winnebago, a gift-card to Walmart, and a thong with an big "O" on it.

   why do boogers hang on to your finger like their life depended on it.

   Over/Under - Brett Farve: 70 sexting messages to NY woman while in town.

   stealing the greener grass from the other side

   has turned on Airplane mode on his Palm Pre, but so far it hasn't taken off.

   I bet the last song LIL WAYNE wants to hear in prison is LICK IT LIKE A LOLLIPOP