Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Still haven't figured out how to inflate a balloon with farts. Still no way I'm gonna stop trying.

   The grass IS greener on the other side, but the gardener does not always show up.

   Today was a good day. The mailman delivered my Billy Ocean cassette. Now I have finally fulfilled my Columbia House commitment.

   It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Which proves that happy people are really f***ing lazy.

   How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. Why? COS IT JUST DOES OKAY......!!!!!!!!

   Did anyone else get prompted for payment for facebook?

   wonders if using the FB poke app is like cyber foreplay??? Cause if it is I got a freaking orgy about to start here!!!

   renting a midget for Halloween.

   Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

   McDonald's is down to their last pound of ground beef. That should be good for another million burgers.

   My fav iPhone 6 app,,,, Is actually still just "the telephone" one

   Before you give me your survey results, just know that numbers don’t impress me much anymore when it comes to human beings. I now value quality over quantity when it comes to crowds considering the number of idiots who have infiltrated the human race.

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time." Restraining order is on the way.

   I bet Kim Kardashian dyed her hair blonde to support Jodi Arias

   When is a good time to mention that St. Patrick was British and taken as a slave to Ireland for 6 years before escaping? Not today then?

   what base is it when your wife feels the bed shaking and says if you're going to jerk off do it on the couch?

   Soccer gives he@d.

   "Thanks FIFA for making me look like a boy scout!" - Tom Brady

   When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.

   Who's in bed with their phones ?