Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woman talk too much, the good ones, get paid well for it: OPRAH!

   I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

   thinks it would be cool if Oprah would give audience members a free Winnebago, a gift-card to Walmart, and a thong with an big "O" on it.

   why do boogers hang on to your finger like their life depended on it.

   Over/Under - Brett Farve: 70 sexting messages to NY woman while in town.

   People are posting all their feelings on facebook; well you wanna know what I'm feeling… I don't wanna hear about your sh*t!!!

   I could never own a Jaguar because I'm embarrassed to pronounce it like the D-Bags that own them do.

   has turned on Airplane mode on his Palm Pre, but so far it hasn't taken off.

   I bet the last song LIL WAYNE wants to hear in prison is LICK IT LIKE A LOLLIPOP

   changed his profile picture. Now I look a little less ugly

   I think that all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   thinks farmville is o.k. but pharmville is a blast.

   I'm on this insane diet. So far, I've lost my mind.

   The clean up in the Gulf is going well. My seabass I ordered was a quart low.

   Dear Friday: You have been gone all week, no visit, no call, no nothing. For some reason your absense doesn't bother me, I am glad to see you again...so is my liver, Cheers!

   Don't forget to proudly wave our American flags made in China today..

   Donald Trump's spokesperson, Katrina Pierson, is now comparing him to Walt Disney and Henry Ford. Two of the most famous Nazi sympathizers.

   Donald Trump wants to keep us in suspense about the survival of our democracy and orderly change of government.... I can't wait!

   If Meth could stand up straight, put on dirty clothes, take drugs, date its cousin and sing crappy music, it would look like Kid Rock.

   Trump: all these women outside Aide: Sir? Trump: I have my scores ready. When is the swimsuit competition?