Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   new drinking game: everytime Charlie Sheen says something in an interview, you take a shot....5 minutes into an hour interview and I was drunk. :/

   ...all this talk about eating disorders is making me hungry

   Why are people always trying to get into shape?? Round is a shape!

   iWon't make any lame Steve Jobs jokes

   Mondays are God's punishment for what you did during the weekend ...

   Got a flannel shirt for the 9th Fathers Day in a row... Thanks honey, cant wait to see what you get me next year!

   Thanks to Bo-flex, I've gone from 'obese' to 'prefer not to say' on my plenty of fish account!

   The people of England paid a heavenly price for the wedding of Cap'n Crunch ,. and didnt even get a lousy t-shirt...

   Guys get hurt too, we just don't make songs about our heartbreaks.

   Pubs are not a good place to bring your kids. That's why I lock mine in the car.

   had to take my cat to the vet. She's not feline well…

   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

   I like my coffee the same way I like my men!! Rich, warm and can keep me up all night long ;)

   Wife: Wanna go to the make-up store with me? Me: Uuuuuuuhhh no. *This tweet was written from the make-up store*

   There are men in this world who have killed sharks with their bare hands. I can't even touch a picture of a bug in a book.

   I asked my girl, Can we make a baby? She text back and said, Ok... it's not just for money during tax season right?

   Burned 800 calories jogging my memory today.

   If you can read this, congratulations, you're not a moose, unless you are a moose and can read in which case congratulations reading moose!

   Royal baby doesn't even have teeth yet and I can still tell they're gonna be phucked up...

   Her blackened teeth, facial hair and deplorable homemade titty tattoos reminded me once again of why our nation is the greatest in the world.