Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have nothing against people from other countries. But one thing is for sure. they do not know how to drive in the U.S. no turn signal, no turn on red, ect...

   238 years ago today, Thomas Jefferson wrote the ultimate breakup letter. You mad Britain? Merica.

   Solar flares...Thanks Obamacare

   Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

   What do you mean you don't know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   I'm at my neighbor's house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!

   [first date] Why won’t you accept my moms friend request?

   Wow ........ turns out, any Room is a Panic Room .......... when you've had 5 Cups of Coffee and a Bran Muffin!

   *Airplane PA.... "Arrr, this be yer cap'n speaking"... *covers microphone... [muffled] "Dangit Roger,, you have it set on autopirate again"

   Teach your child what's going on in the world by telling them Santa was killed in a drone strike in a no fly zone; or he's being held up in the vetting process.

   Guys get hurt too, we just don't make songs about our heartbreaks.

   Pubs are not a good place to bring your kids. That's why I lock mine in the car.

   had to take my cat to the vet. She's not feline well…

   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

   I like my coffee the same way I like my men!! Rich, warm and can keep me up all night long ;)

   Wife: Wanna go to the make-up store with me? Me: Uuuuuuuhhh no. *This tweet was written from the make-up store*

   There are men in this world who have killed sharks with their bare hands. I can't even touch a picture of a bug in a book.

   I asked my girl, Can we make a baby? She text back and said, Ok... it's not just for money during tax season right?

   Burned 800 calories jogging my memory today.