Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your iPad with you. Be sure to wipe the screen when your done!!!

   To appreciate heaven , it's good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell

   Women should come with Miranda Rights....because if you say the wrong thing, it will come back to haunt you!

   If they made hats the size of some peoples brains they would be wearing a peanut shell.

   Now as old age approaches It sure gives me the blues to see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes.

   If it wasn't meant to be I really wish you would have told me sooner.

   The Lunesta commercials amuse me. It seems that enough people have taken a sleeping pill and then said "Well, I better go jump on that bulldozer and get some work done." That they feel it's necessary to tell people NOT to do it...

   waiting for Cmac to tap the microphone and say "Is this thing on?"

   Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the reply-all jackass in every mass email.

   The sack race.. finally Roy Hodgson wins something!

   You know the whole "pissing in the wind" thing...don't get tempted to try it...SIde Note: I Googled urine, and it is completely sterile...Just in case curiosity gets the best of ya...

   bets there's no problem finding salt for the roads when it snows in Margaritaville

   each one of my 6 personalities has its own Facebook page.

   The one good thing about my hand is I dont have to take it home afterwards..

   flicking Captain Crunch at an evil garden gnome

   "AND HE WAS JUST A HAIR AWAY FROM GETTING THE SACK!" I love football.

   wondering if night-time funeral processions drive with their lights off or what?

   a recent survey has found that most men do not partake in doing Gym, Tan, Laundry (GTL) as ritual before going to an evening event/gala. Adversely, men are apt to remain active in an older tradition spanning many decades... Shave, Shower, Sh-it. (SSS)

   its ALOHA Friday no work till monday !!!

   I'm living the dream! Unfortunately, I think it's the bad one where I come to school with no pants on.