Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WORK THIS WEEK??? - My MIND TELLING me NOOOOOoooo!!!, but my wallet telling me...dude You need more alcohol!!

   happy 2 month anniversary to my 29 open browser tabs!

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   Breaking: Denver complaining of contact high...they swear.

   Dear Monday.. I hate u...

   A skeleton walks into a bar.He ordered a beer & a mop.

   I'm a real down-to-earth kind of guy. Because, you know, gravity.

   They're called "The Wonder Years" because you wonder where they went.

   Disappointed to tune into the Olympics to find that curling wasn't a Bicep competition.

   It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.

   "Hmmm, It says on your resumé that you..."can dodge flying poop?.. and "enjoys acting like a chimpanzee?"... "Ummm yes, that's correct"

   One day girl, all those flashing lights and sirens will be for us.

   New Year, New Me!!! my @ss, woke up and it's still the same me.

   My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet

   i think the NFL may be getting close in over hyping the superbowl!

   I have childhood memories that I am not 100% sure actually happened or if I dreamed them I really do not know

   A little help here... Preparing for my rap battle. So far I have "I'm rubber you're glue" and a touchdown endzone dance.

   It's great to wake up on a Sunday and not have the overwhelming feeling to check myself into Gamblers, Alcoholics and Over Eaters Anonymous.

   PETA will fight a thousands battles, but apparently the Flintstones taking a dump in a pelicans mouth is not one of them.

   Kanye West only accepted the role of Santa Claus after the director agreed to change the script so that the kids all asked him what he wanted for Christmas.