Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's great to wake up on a Sunday and not have the overwhelming feeling to check myself into Gamblers, Alcoholics and Over Eaters Anonymous.

   PETA will fight a thousands battles, but apparently the Flintstones taking a dump in a pelicans mouth is not one of them.

   Kanye West only accepted the role of Santa Claus after the director agreed to change the script so that the kids all asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

   When a hipster pissed me off, I don't get mad, I just throw their Fiat on a roof.

   I'm so glad I was never a cavewoman, I'd have no idea where to hunt for sandwiches.

   Free the Glutens! They have never had a country of their own!

   [parents visiting] MY DAD: Looks like you got about an inch of rain. *cut to my dad looking at my bong I left on the patio table* ME: Yep.

   either my mirror is WAY OFF, or I really do look like EVERY "before" picture ever.

   It's been a exhausting day pretending that I worked so hard.

   If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

   Should we be surprised? Strange smelling smoke has been coming out of VW Kombi vans for years.

   You sound like someone I'd drown in a toilet.

   Why I love Asia: I wanted a hooker. Called service. Said I didn't know what I wanted. They sent a van with 10 girls and let me choose.

   There are too many functionally illiterate people in the world.

   I'm a pretty funny guy I'm told, But I went on a date with a woman the other night, she did NOT like by Bill Cosby Impersonation .

   If you ask for plastic grocery bags in Whole Foods, they put one over your head & suffocate you with it.

   Dear Young Girls, Never ever never ever take pills from anyone and not expect you may get wasted and get taken advantage of....... Just a little advice I learned on the Cosby Show!

   Never break a person's heart. They one have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of those.

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   I thought riots are to soccer what crashes are to NASCAR: something that breaks up the boredom.