Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to

   I'm saying this before the 12th day of Christmas even arrives. I'm keeping the 8 maids a milking and the 9 ladies dancing. That's it Everything else is going back to Walmart.

   The "Person. Women. Man. Camera. TV." test was more difficult than my law exams.

   When it comes to getting projects done I'm a real pro..............crastinator

   Friend: Don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.... Me: Yeah, that and crabs.

   You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

   My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

   To be safe, avoid all vegetables and just eat pies for Thanksgiving.

   Good newsh, I'm shurvivfing the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss!

   My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

   Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing? Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

   Well it was a solid 5 days. Here's to 2022! 🥂

   I can’t work as a cashier. The minute your card declines imma say “DAMNNN!”

   *stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark -me as a tattoo artist

   Chicken Parmesan is just regular Parmesan that’s too afraid to ask her if she wants to dance

   A clean house and finish projects is the sign of someone who hasn't looked at Facebook in a while.

   Gave my wife leftover candy from Halloween and she says “why is this candy shaped like a ghost? “ I says “cuz you my boo”.

   If a status update gets posted on Facebook and no one likes it did it really happen?

   I’ve tested positive for needing a fucing vacation

   Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles