Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a guy in the laundrymat throw in his NO FEAR white t-shirt with his colors. That guy is living the dream.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks...... If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card

   My wife likes to leave her shoes by the back door, so it always looks like 49 women with the same shoe size are over for a visit

   21) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

   You should be allowed to pet a dog without having to say a word to the owner.

   My dentist switched me to this new sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying

   2 idians running water and falling rocks went hunting in the mountains But only running water returned back to the tribe A scout went looking for falling rocks but never found him And to this day you'll see signs in the mountains watchout for falling rock

   My brother has stop talking to his wife after she refused to join the mile high club with him. If I know her she doesn't give a flying fu*k.

   Joke's on you, fanny pack thief. That was my decoy fanny pack.

   Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push

   They say a man's "member" can be gauged by the size of their feet. That maybe why my sister dates clowns.

   Research has suggested that the internet has made us less intelligent and less patient. I don't understand that so I'm moving on.

   An orgy but it’s just me eating 5 different bags of chips at once.

   How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

   I once survived a bear attack with nothing but a knife. I stabbed my buddy in the leg and took off running...

   Hey Google, how about taking all those stupid ass fake trees off your maps so we can actually see what we want to see??

   I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

   [at a restaurant] Her: I’m going with meatloaf Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

   What's everyone doing for Labor day? I think I'm gonna get right into the action and mow the yard, make some chicken stew and get to the mattress store so I don't miss the BIG sale!

   In almost every situation, Nutella makes a great substitute for love.