Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can tell a lot about a person by the music on their iPod.

   Divorce Log 2006: My ex had her credit card stolen, but I didn't report it. The person who stole it used it less than she did.

   I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.

   Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   Remember: when you kiss someone's elbow, you're also kissing the gut of every person they've ever elbowed.

   ¡ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥʇ

   YAY! Mr. Peanut back.

   Hooters is not closing per se. It's going strictly delivery. It's changing its name to "Knockers"...

   I'm so old I remember when the Beatles where are the New Kids on the Block.

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   Virus or no virus, cruises hold no appeal for me. It's akin to a 5 star house arrest that's centered around overeating, which I can do quite well in the comfort of my own home.

   By the reactions below, this is a group of major pole buffers.

   So by always grabbing extra Chipotle napkins along with saving a huge variety of different non-perishable condiments from restaurants over the years make me a prepper?

   Kenny Rogers checking out during an apocalypse is the biggest knowing when to Hold'em knowing when to Fold'em I've ever seen.

   Do you know who this Shelter in Place is gotta be hard for.. bullies. They are stuck at home, they can't physically intimidate any kids, must remain 4-6 feet from anyone. Time for us victims to stand up ..

   Folks, can we stop arguing over what to label the virus? Here, allow me to break down the acronym... COVID-19: CO=Chocolate Oreos. VI=6 dozen. D=Dunk them in milk. 19=The avg. number of lbs. gained during quarantine.

   We need guns to protect ourselves from the Coronavirus.

   It’s so hard to explain puns to an atheist. They take everything literally

   Living in a time when '3 squares' means more than just food.