Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Thank God we all have such insanely uninformed political opinions and tons of social media platforms on which to post them." -America

   Rachel Maddow has a bigger Adam's Apple then I do. I'm just saying!

   My salary does not come close to matching the level of busyness I fake at work.

   My life is like a sitcom, but without the witty one-liners, quirky friends, hilarious situations or laugh track.

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of kittens"

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn't funny. I just want to live life again.

   Ohhhh, the wonders of Adderall....

   Happy Birthday posts on Facebook make all the pain go away.

   Love the samples at Costco, however I think of them more as tapas you have to fight strangers to the death over.

   Nothing tests the love for your children like being awoken at 2 AM with a Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat kick to the sternum.

   Must be hard playing Wheel of Fortune in Canada when everybody is constantly saying "A"

   When I'm at a club and the DJ says "Raise the Roof!" I'm always like "no thanks!" I came here to dance not to do carpentry.

   My girlfriend and I went looking at rings the other day. I decided on the onion cut. She was not amused.

   Stop comparing rap lyrics to what Trump said. Now I feel like I can't enjoy 2 Live Crew's music until I know their stance on global warming.

   Does anybody out there know the Google Map Satellite image co-ordinates of any Nudist Colonies?

   You don't need to dress up as Harley Quinn for Halloween, you're 38.

   Last night My wife asked me to take her breath away, so I hid her inhaler

   So what if the white man stole our land. Thousands of them die each year from our tobacco and we steal their money at our casinos........

   If your wife tells you that your right. Is that sarcasm?

   Not sure how many trick-or-treaters we will get, so better buy 400x more than I expect.