Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Virus or no virus, cruises hold no appeal for me. It's akin to a 5 star house arrest that's centered around overeating, which I can do quite well in the comfort of my own home.

   By the reactions below, this is a group of major pole buffers.

   So by always grabbing extra Chipotle napkins along with saving a huge variety of different non-perishable condiments from restaurants over the years make me a prepper?

   Kenny Rogers checking out during an apocalypse is the biggest knowing when to Hold'em knowing when to Fold'em I've ever seen.

   Do you know who this Shelter in Place is gotta be hard for.. bullies. They are stuck at home, they can't physically intimidate any kids, must remain 4-6 feet from anyone. Time for us victims to stand up ..

   Folks, can we stop arguing over what to label the virus? Here, allow me to break down the acronym... COVID-19: CO=Chocolate Oreos. VI=6 dozen. D=Dunk them in milk. 19=The avg. number of lbs. gained during quarantine.

   We need guns to protect ourselves from the Coronavirus.

   It’s so hard to explain puns to an atheist. They take everything literally

   Living in a time when '3 squares' means more than just food.

   I think we all need to be on the same page on this: are we telling kids that the Easter Bunny died of Corona Virus or that Carole Baskin killed him?

   Customer: Do you guys have wings? Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

   Canada doesn't allow polygamy ,so I got me a wife with Multiple personalities .

   Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

   Top 5 Zones 5 – Twilight 4 – O 3 – End 2 – In the 1- Cal

   Why is that whenever the doorbell rings my dogs always think it is for them?

   They say crime doesn't pay. So does that mean my job is a crime?

   People laugh at the inventor of nitrous oxide.

   They can't prove none of your pants fit anymore if you never wear pants.

   Most kid's grandpas pulled a quarter from their ear . . . mine put a quarter in, twisted my nose, and bubblegum rolled out!!!

   I date younger women because watching hope fade is a huge turn on.