Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In school I think all of our wives got straight A's in buyology.

   Moms, Save money on cereal by putting generic cereal in a bran name box. That way the kids will never know their eating generic cereal.

   Sorry I panicked and punched you when you invited me out for brunch.

   I'm very happy that I'm not a vegan, that would have been a big miss steak

   Roses are red, facebook is blue no mutual friends, who the hell are you?

   It was refreshing to see FB lit up with pics of your Halloween celebrations. Now it's back to your political rambling BS. Not to mention the soon to flood my timeline with your holiday BS.

   Goatees are just fanny-packs for faces.

   I would rather sit in front of Pee Wee Herman at a movie theater while out on a date with OJ Simpson after having drinks at Bill Cosby's bar where they use Flint, MI ice cubes after taking an elevator ride with Ray Rice all while Casey Anthony babysits.

   Would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

   And the most googled topic right now is: How to move to Canada.

   Hot Kraft singles in your area are difficult to open, and really not good cheese anyway,,,, So....

   If at first you don't succeed, parachuting isn't for you

   It's 4am...time to start my day. Milk the horse, pluck the goats, plow the chickens, etc. First day as a farmer doesn't sound that hard.

   Swimming is basically having fun trying not to drown.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to that is until she got that restraining order.

   Put it this way, if they take aways "fake news"... you'll never get to see Cowboys fans bragging about how great they are.

   When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

   I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices

   Dance like your hot cousin is watching.

   I went to a karaoke bar last night that only played music from the 1970’s. I didn’t want to sing but they handed me the mic. At first I was afraid. I was petrified. And I spent the night thinking how my friends did me wrong but I grew strong and I lea