Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's 4am...time to start my day. Milk the horse, pluck the goats, plow the chickens, etc. First day as a farmer doesn't sound that hard.

   Swimming is basically having fun trying not to drown.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to that is until she got that restraining order.

   Put it this way, if they take aways "fake news"... you'll never get to see Cowboys fans bragging about how great they are.

   When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

   I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices

   Dance like your hot cousin is watching.

   I went to a karaoke bar last night that only played music from the 1970’s. I didn’t want to sing but they handed me the mic. At first I was afraid. I was petrified. And I spent the night thinking how my friends did me wrong but I grew strong and I lea

   What's more important. The prick of the roses or the prick giving them. . .

   don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S

   If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.

   It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.

   Should I make healthy lifestyle choices? Nah. I'd rather die sooner and happy, than live a year or two longer and die miserable.

   Stay tuned, folks... it's getting close to my, "It's a New Year, It's A New Me" delusional time again.

   All my life, I’ve lived in walk-up buildings with no elevators. Mom was right – she told me I was always going to attract stairs.

   How in the world can I make wise life choices when I still use my fingers to add, sing the alphabet to see which letter comes next and think that BBQ potato chips are actually cooked on a BBQ?

   Me: "Doc, I just got back from Thailand and there's something wrong with my feet." Doc: "what is it" Me: "My pecker keeps dripping on them..."

   You can tell a lot about a person by the music on their iPod.

   Divorce Log 2006: My ex had her credit card stolen, but I didn't report it. The person who stole it used it less than she did.

   I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.