Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so sick of all these Happy videos that I am really starting to get depressed.

   Young man, does your mother know you ask girls for nudes on social media?

   My order says "Family Meal". And I say, "I am a family of one"

   No thanks body wraps. If I thought magic would help me lose weight, I'd eat a wizard.

   Nothing says you have been friend-zoned for life like when she invites you to her wedding.

   I can't decided if I'd rather see him naked or on fire. Is that love?

   At what age does stupidity wear off?

   I blame this winter weather on Idina Menzel.....

   Tried to do my facebook movie and just got a message telling me it had been nominated for a Razzie Award.

   Don't you mean it's Jay's finale, finale Tonight Show NBC?

   So, I take it mushrooms are acceptably the norm in Russia... Well played Olympics

   myself. Sometimes I get ahead of

   Happy Valentine's Day...this statement just costs me $1.50 per word...thanks Hallmark Card store...

   Valentine Day weekend is over. I think Helen Keller plays the role of cupid in my love life.

   Before facebook, I use to wait about a week for Walgreens to develop my pictures, to show my friends how good I lok in the Bathroom

   Fellaz; there is a way to check out women without them knowing it. Learn it.

   I bet that Magneto guy in X-Men has the best collection of fridge magnets.

   happy sperm donor day

   hey dad, thanks for using a cheap condom...mom did the rest of the work

   Growing up means not asking for advice you're not going to take.