Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tried to do my facebook movie and just got a message telling me it had been nominated for a Razzie Award.

   Don't you mean it's Jay's finale, finale Tonight Show NBC?

   So, I take it mushrooms are acceptably the norm in Russia... Well played Olympics

   myself. Sometimes I get ahead of

   Happy Valentine's Day...this statement just costs me $1.50 per word...thanks Hallmark Card store...

   Valentine Day weekend is over. I think Helen Keller plays the role of cupid in my love life.

   Before facebook, I use to wait about a week for Walgreens to develop my pictures, to show my friends how good I lok in the Bathroom

   Fellaz; there is a way to check out women without them knowing it. Learn it.

   I bet that Magneto guy in X-Men has the best collection of fridge magnets.

   happy sperm donor day

   hey dad, thanks for using a cheap condom...mom did the rest of the work

   Growing up means not asking for advice you're not going to take.

   'm totally excited to hang out, again, too! Who is this? -Text from a slut

   oh, So you go to 'the university of swag'? be sure and put that on your Mcdonalds application.

   My only regrets involve a Klondike bar

   My version of camping involves the bathroom floor & a hand towel for a blanket.

   'Spread the joy' is an excellent way to ask someone to open their legs.

   what's an ideal weight for a mother in law? 3 pounds including the urn.

   In Sweden, the word for marriage and the word for poison is the same, and its spelled "gift".

   you know a friend notices & cares when their worried I wasnt on facebook much today