Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My only regrets involve a Klondike bar

   My version of camping involves the bathroom floor & a hand towel for a blanket.

   'Spread the joy' is an excellent way to ask someone to open their legs.

   what's an ideal weight for a mother in law? 3 pounds including the urn.

   In Sweden, the word for marriage and the word for poison is the same, and its spelled "gift".

   you know a friend notices & cares when their worried I wasnt on facebook much today

   Re-up with Sam Hurd this weekend just isn't going to happen...

   Would not like to be a person of intrest for a dismembered person

   I need a great woman or two or 3 good ones.

   I'm not really afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of Human stupidity and error.

   with the mood I'm in, if I tell you "Have a good nights sleep and I hope it's a long one"...you'll know what I mean by it!

   Nothing beats breaking up with someone on Valentine's Day or their birthday.

   cut through an adult gift store parking lot to avoid a traffic light, my neighbor only saw me pulling out with my mother. :/

   I used to be a bull fighter, but gave it up because the bulls refused to listen to the referee when he told them to keep it clean and obey his commands at all times

   sad the government decided that I can't buy steaks with lotsa fat on the edges.

   Well Santa has started his Journey and is now in Australia. I hope he is careful over Iran. Last thing we need is to have him shot down and used as the latest Iranian Spy drone..

   Wondering if there will be an 'End of the World Sale'

   The uneasy moment when a midget is getting high

   Hates it when all the voices in my head say "Gesundheit" at the same time after I sneeze..

   My reputation as a ladies' man is a joke that has often caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I have spent alone.