Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine a person who really loves hearing you talk. Now go talk to THAT person.

   Only if humans respected each other's private space as much as wild animals do.

   "But what does it mean?" - WOMEN

   First date idea: Stare at your phones and wonder if there’s anything better happening somewhere else.

   I told my wife I thought she was a little OCD sometimes, so she read like a 100 articles about it.

   Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story

   Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you

   @ 300 X 365 that is 109,500 a year. I am determined to get one million people on my block list. That will take me 10 years. Now hiring. . .

   I love you to pieces is a creepy way to tell someone you love them and would also like to dismember them

   Look, I can't take you seriously if you still have your pants on.

   When I told you you were good I actually meant for nothing.

   Was just talking to my 9 year old nephew. When I asked him what he was up to, he said he was on another phone with his girlfriend. I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.

   Anyone else find it disgusting when someone in the shower slides the bar soap between their cheeks to clean themselves? Asking for my wife.

   I can't find it, will you look for me? - Men

   How to tell if your wife/girlfriend will overreact: Is she a girl?

   A poncho, because nobody else is going to hug you.

   I'm so sick of all these Happy videos that I am really starting to get depressed.

   Young man, does your mother know you ask girls for nudes on social media?

   My order says "Family Meal". And I say, "I am a family of one"

   No thanks body wraps. If I thought magic would help me lose weight, I'd eat a wizard.