Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife I thought she was a little OCD sometimes, so she read like a 100 articles about it.

   Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story

   Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you

   @ 300 X 365 that is 109,500 a year. I am determined to get one million people on my block list. That will take me 10 years. Now hiring. . .

   I love you to pieces is a creepy way to tell someone you love them and would also like to dismember them

   Look, I can't take you seriously if you still have your pants on.

   When I told you you were good I actually meant for nothing.

   Was just talking to my 9 year old nephew. When I asked him what he was up to, he said he was on another phone with his girlfriend. I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.

   Anyone else find it disgusting when someone in the shower slides the bar soap between their cheeks to clean themselves? Asking for my wife.

   I can't find it, will you look for me? - Men

   How to tell if your wife/girlfriend will overreact: Is she a girl?

   A poncho, because nobody else is going to hug you.

   I'm so sick of all these Happy videos that I am really starting to get depressed.

   Young man, does your mother know you ask girls for nudes on social media?

   My order says "Family Meal". And I say, "I am a family of one"

   No thanks body wraps. If I thought magic would help me lose weight, I'd eat a wizard.

   Nothing says you have been friend-zoned for life like when she invites you to her wedding.

   I can't decided if I'd rather see him naked or on fire. Is that love?

   At what age does stupidity wear off?

   I blame this winter weather on Idina Menzel.....