Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've had so much sex today that this entire post is a lie.

   I asked her how her day went 4 days ago and she is still telling me about it.

   I don't know what the big deal is about this whole Love trade thing. Its nothing new! Isn't that the world's oldest profession?

   Imagine a person who really loves hearing you talk. Now go talk to THAT person.

   Only if humans respected each other's private space as much as wild animals do.

   "But what does it mean?" - WOMEN

   First date idea: Stare at your phones and wonder if there’s anything better happening somewhere else.

   I told my wife I thought she was a little OCD sometimes, so she read like a 100 articles about it.

   Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story

   Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you

   No thanks body wraps. If I thought magic would help me lose weight, I'd eat a wizard.

   Nothing says you have been friend-zoned for life like when she invites you to her wedding.

   Before facebook, I use to wait about a week for Walgreens to develop my pictures, to show my friends how good I lok in the Bathroom

   Fellaz; there is a way to check out women without them knowing it. Learn it.

   I bet that Magneto guy in X-Men has the best collection of fridge magnets.

   happy sperm donor day

   hey dad, thanks for using a cheap condom...mom did the rest of the work

   Growing up means not asking for advice you're not going to take.

   'm totally excited to hang out, again, too! Who is this? -Text from a slut

   oh, So you go to 'the university of swag'? be sure and put that on your Mcdonalds application.