Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Ladies, if you want a guy to look at your face instead of your chest, eat a banana.
←Rate | 05-06-2016 05:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
←Rate | 05-13-2016 16:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oh no, I'm at that level of airplane drunk where I just almost stood up to go and smoke a cigarette.
←Rate | 05-14-2016 05:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words, 'Who in the hell is knocking on my door at this hour?'
←Rate | 05-14-2016 13:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nothing has held me back in life more than not knowing which U.S. National Park I am. If only there was a way to find out.
←Rate | 05-16-2016 13:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How many more of these body wraps do I have to eat before I start losing inches?
←Rate | 05-20-2016 18:50 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
←Rate | 05-20-2016 19:20 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pretty sure most 9 month olds are doing 5-Hour Energy shots behind our backs.
←Rate | 05-30-2016 03:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every single time I have fallen into the gorilla cage, the zoo workers shot at me!!!
←Rate | 05-30-2016 18:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes I wonder if my dog ever thinks about finding his biological siblings.
←Rate | 06-01-2016 04:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
←Rate | 06-02-2016 01:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.
←Rate | 06-02-2016 01:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For some reason the electric wire on top of a 6.5 foot fence enclosing our condo actually makes me feel less safe.
←Rate | 06-04-2016 05:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [enter new password] *CVSReceipt* [password too long]
←Rate | 06-11-2016 08:11 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I asked her how her day went 4 days ago and she is still telling me about it.
←Rate | 06-15-2014 11:55 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't know what the big deal is about this whole Love trade thing. Its nothing new! Isn't that the world's oldest profession?
←Rate | 08-07-2014 13:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine a person who really loves hearing you talk. Now go talk to THAT person.
←Rate | 09-02-2014 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only if humans respected each other's private space as much as wild animals do.
←Rate | 09-06-2014 06:39 Comments (1)  


   messageicon "But what does it mean?" - WOMEN
←Rate | 09-16-2014 14:32 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon First date idea: Stare at your phones and wonder if there’s anything better happening somewhere else.
←Rate | 09-16-2014 14:33 Comments (0)  




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