Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wonder if my dog ever thinks about finding his biological siblings.

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

   I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

   For some reason the electric wire on top of a 6.5 foot fence enclosing our condo actually makes me feel less safe.

   [enter new password] *CVSReceipt* [password too long]

   I can't decided if I'd rather see him naked or on fire. Is that love?

   At what age does stupidity wear off?

   I blame this winter weather on Idina Menzel.....

   Tried to do my facebook movie and just got a message telling me it had been nominated for a Razzie Award.

   Don't you mean it's Jay's finale, finale Tonight Show NBC?

   So, I take it mushrooms are acceptably the norm in Russia... Well played Olympics

   myself. Sometimes I get ahead of

   Happy Valentine's Day...this statement just costs me $1.50 per word...thanks Hallmark Card store...

   Valentine Day weekend is over. I think Helen Keller plays the role of cupid in my love life.

   The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.

   People with kids that don't have a fireplace have an issue in the morning..

   I wish I had half the optimism of couples that get each other’s name tattooed on their bodies.

   Hot singles in your area want to go through your trash. Never mind these are raccoons

   The best part about being fat and old is that I'll never have to look back and see pictures of me in skinny jeans

   5:spiders 4:snakes 3:serial killers 2:child molesters 1:couples that sit on the same side of the booth