Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch and you're not even reading this anymore are you...

   New course now available at Trump University! The Art Of The Deal: Step 1) Bargain. 2) Fail. 3) Give up. 4) Blame others. 5) Go golfing.

   You're not a douche because you paint your face and dress up with spikes on your shoulder pads, you're a douche because you're a Raiders fan!!!

   making a list and checking it twice......Its a hit list and you do not want to be on it!

   Dont leave alphabet soup on the stove it could spell disaster.

   Call from telemarker with a hot sexy voice = No need for internet porn today!

   I got 99 problems but a mother f**king jay z ticket aint one of them.

   persuade the Canadians to take back Justin Bieber like they have already taken our gold medal.

   told my husband, if you don't become more mature, you are going to erect a wall between us, he said hahahaha you said erect!!

   loves those nights that turn into mornings and those friends that turn into lovers

   The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved.

   Never hit a man with glasses! A baseball bat does the job MUCH better!

   McDonalds faces potential lawsuit over happy meal. It contends that serving toys with unhealthy food is predatory. Where was this group when Micheal Jackson was alive?

   Can everyone who has an iPhone 4 stop talking about it until the rest of the world has them? Thanks.

   those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight.

   Happy Independence Day to all Indians out here...Married Men may ignore this message :-)

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.

   screw the dog...a kitty is a mans best friend!

   What's LOVE? In math: A problem... In history: A war... In chemistry: A reaction... In art: A heart...In me: You...

   My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. ... Which is a shame, because I fancy him.