Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am getting pretty low on Girl Scout Cookies.... Threat Level: Orange

   I know you are orgasaming, but I'm pretty sure God had nothing to do with it... so if you can maybe yell my name, that'd be great.

   My wife worked my a$$ off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   Does anyone know if oral $ex is Gluten free. Asking for a friend. . .

   Bernie Sanders said recently that he loves taking selfies. Well ... once he figures out how to take them on his rotary phone that is.

   I'm not saying you're lazy, but you should try out for “American Idle"

   My dad never loved me as a child, you can't really blame him though I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   I was at a bar lasy night where the women were so ugly, it took 50 shades of grey goose to make them look good.

   Friends are like condoms. They are always there to protect you when things get hard.

   I don't ever wanna get married, because I believe in Freedom of Speech.

   pulled over by the cops and they asked me if I had been drinking. I asked, "Why, is there a fat girl in the back?" He said, "Nope, there's two." I said, "Well, I guess I have!"

   Funny text messages to send! 1. Those innocent eyes, those kissable lips, that beautiful smile, that sexy voice.. anyway enough bout me, how are you;)?

   Roses are red, vi0lets are fine...I'll be the 6, if you be the 9

   Some woman kicked me in the crotch today and now my head is killing me.

   What's the difference between puberty and a water bottle? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times you must have b00bies

   I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Problem Solved.

   Hey, wanna hear a joke about Nirvana? No? Nevermind."

   ~ Alright everyone put on your Happy Face! It's time for the HAPPY FRIDAY BOOTY SHAKE! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/_)(_\_) Have a great weekend!

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.