Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the difference between puberty and a water bottle? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times you must have b00bies

   I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Problem Solved.

   Hey, wanna hear a joke about Nirvana? No? Nevermind."

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....

   The one good thing Donald Trump has going for him is that the more he speaks the less ridiculous his hair seems by comparison.

   Glad we finally found OBL. Now can we find the dead beat dads thats dont pay child support or play a role in their kids lives?

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

   A man sees her, he wants her, he makes her believe him, he gets bored, and he leaves.

   ~ Alright everyone put on your Happy Face! It's time for the HAPPY FRIDAY BOOTY SHAKE! (_/_)(_l_)(_\_)(_l_)(_/_)(_\_) Have a great weekend!

   OMG! It's so cold I think I have ovaries now!!

   "like a mime trapped in a box, you want out, but you cant yell for help. "

   was everyone this worked up when OJ was found innocent

   I'm sick of women who label themselves as a BBW. All of you who say you're a BBW are just Big Bodied Whales. Stop trying to make yourself feel better for being 5'5 and 200 lbs by saying you're a big beautiful woman.

   Sorry U.S. Football/Futball/Soccer team. You just weren't "Ghana" win.

   If couples who are in love are called "LOVED BIRDS", then couples who argue should be called "ANGRY BIRDS".

   I bought the book, Fear by Bob Woodward, what a fantastic read.

   If I ever get married again, the woman I marry must have worked at Subway at some point in their life. I need to know they have experience making me sammiches. :-)

   When I was a kid I prayed for a skateboard, then I realized God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness

   Love is never having to use a c ondom.