Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My credit score looks like the speed limit!

   My wife is the most irrational person I've ever met. Well, technically, she's tied for first with every other woman I've met...

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"

   Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…

   Starting a Book Club. First rule of Book Club: read Fight Club.

   One man's sarcastic answer, is another man's stupid question!

   So after being on a non-stop holiday food binge, I mustered the courage to step on my talking bathroom scales this morning. It said "One at a time, please." FML.

   I'm not wrong very often but when I am it's his fault.

   I went to the doctor for $hits and giggles because I'm pretty sure those two things arent suppose to happen at the same time.

   Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.

   it me or did Bruno mars smoked some of James Brown weed?

   Dude's name on that Bud commercial is LT. NADD! GO NADD!

   Some souls are consumed with what grows in the garden of others and then wonder, why their own does not flourish.

   The best thing about becoming a parent is that you don't have to pay $50 to get peed on anymore.

   I'm not sure teenagers understand that by having unproteced sex, you can catch aweful diseases. And not only kids, but STD's too!

   Elon Musk (President of Tesla Motors) needs to change his name. He sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   I hate it when I have a bunch of company over and I don't have enough cholophorme for all of them and I have to use it on myself.

   Breaking news: 50 Cent is looking to play a gig for Nickleback.

   I get called into cat-boss office,,, *Boss staring intensely at red dot on wall... "Cancel all my appointments I'm not to be disturbed".... "Yes Sir."

   Time is the only real enemy......* JK. It’s spiders.