Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We don't care about your taste in women and cups of coffee. Thank you.

   Before Facebook, I used to write this stuff on slips of paper and put them in the pockets of unsold pants at Old Navy.

   My girl friend says she may move out because of my obsession with TV dramas. But will she really leave me......Find out next week!

   ***LATEST SOCIAL MEDIA GAME~~~ Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number (be sure to give me the expiration date and 3 digit security code) and I will post in my status which bill or Christmas gift I used it for. Let's play!!!

   you know your not much of a Christmas shopper anymore, when your still using some of the same wrapping paper you had 3 years ago . 🎁 🎁🎁 🎁

   If anyone needs help eating those cookies. Let me know.

   I wanna be the reason you shake your head, even if it is in disgust.

   Oreos dont ask silly questions....oreos just understand.

   I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.

   Divorce because consideration has an expiration date.

   Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

   It's universal, to point out old skool soda cans and chip bags during classic movies.

   To drink or not to drink!? What a stupid question!

   anyone going to tell America's funniest videos about YouTube?

   I may not regularly keep in touch with my friends and loved ones, but I always keep an eye on my enemies.

   "I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped

   Paging Dr. Ben Carson? Dr. Ben Carson? Please come quickly as your campaign is on life support.

   Why do women who complain the most about "catcalling" look like they've never had the experience?

   WOW,,,, my nana REALLY can't take a punch anymore

   Somebody please remind me who founded the Klan before uneducated accusations are made.