Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them

   The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

   loves facebook b/c it gives him the perfect media to use the third person!!!

   Protip: when wearing a waterbra, DO NOT lift a heavy box of sheet metal. You'll either end up with a hefty lefty or a mighty righty, not to mention a gigantic wet spot.

   went 2 the corner store and saw the ugliest pregnant lady in the world and I just thought, 'Good for you.

   has joined The Handsome Mens Club...

   Successful 8-hour sleep diet. Woke up and rewarded willpower with gravy biscuits and sweet tea. HAPPY HUMP DAY, Y'ALL!

   Money can't buy happiness? I just bought THE best package of vanilla frosting covered cupcakes of all time, for $5. I'm happier than a dog with two peters.

   There is nothing more convenient than putting on a pair of pants that already has the belt on.

   she would rather be a smartass than a dumbass

   (SINGS) this is the Song that Never ends.. it just goes on and on my friend.. Some ppl started singing it not knowing what it was, & they'll continue singing it 4ever just because... LOL!! Bet your singing it now too! YW!

   I got a flu shot for $24 from Target However, I declined the offer of a $50 colonoscopy in the men's room.

   Avoid red fingers. Eat Hot Cheetos using a toothpick.

   thinks that if we were germs, I would be the 1% bad ass that lysol can never kill!!

   the proof for darwin's theory.

   filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in the court of law.

   I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

   I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.

   If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.

   It's not every day you see a grown man on a treadmill making Six Million Dollar Man sound effects. Remarkably, this girl next to me remains unimpressed.