Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know you're lazy when you use your toilet as your mop bucket

   "Wish you were here" - me, thinking about the wine that is in the fridge

   Due to the economy I decided to grow my own food...I guess cotton wasn't the best choice, makes you soooo thirsty

   I can't get a mobile signal in my village, yet terrorists have no problem sending videos from caves. Is there a special terrorist tariff?

   Ugly girls who send their fine ass friends to holla at a guy for them should be arrested for grand misrepresentation.

   x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 TRUST ME, You need this in life.

   I'd love to ram a big black dild0 up John Terry's ass.

   Mistakes- We all make them but we don't always apologize for them. Sometimes it's pride, sometimes it's stupidity and sometimes we don't think we did anything wrong, but if we're not careful we might end up being sorry one way or another.

   going to take over the world by building a large army of highly trained, blood thirsty pomeranians.

   I guess I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong...

   my phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass? I guess this think really is a smartphone

   - If Washington raises the debt limit, they should buy every American a Bud Light and charge it to China.

   ok brain. You woke me up at 4:13am. Must be important. Whats that? You want me to think about the Tylenol scare of '82? Done!

   Life is like a vacuum cleaner, as soon as you make a firm step, it starts to suck.

   Swagger: To conduct oneself in an arrogant or superciliously pompous manner <----Well said Sir Webster

   I have time to get a few hours of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick and meaningful....just like when I dream I am having sex...

   There's nothing that irks me more than guys fawning all over a hot, yet insecure dysfunctional actress type on facebook, as if they're gonna "get some". It's like watching people kissing the a$$ of a train wreck.

   Just heard on the news we're still waiting on news of the falling satellite. Anyone know where Bruce Willis is?

   "In the libray by Prof. Plum with a wrench!!..No?! Um- Then in the Den by Col. Mustard with a Candlestick!! No?! Umm..."-said our political leaders who don't have a f*cking Clue as to what's killing our economy or how to fix it.

   Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I'm yours.