Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is a 1:1 scale model of a Facebook update.

   Why doesn't Homeland Security call the new "If You See Something, Say Something" campaign, "The National Tattle-Tell Campaign"?

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   the proof for darwin's theory.

   filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in the court of law.

   I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

   I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.

   If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.

   It's not every day you see a grown man on a treadmill making Six Million Dollar Man sound effects. Remarkably, this girl next to me remains unimpressed.

   The saying goes "Always wear cleaned underwear, you never know when your going to be hit by a bus." But isn't it when you get hit by the bus, you SH*T yourself, already ruining your clean knickers?

   BP Says It Has Successfully Contained Flow of Information About Spill

   The most powerful position is on your knees.

   Why using botox, when there is a cheaper way. Blow into a Vuvuzela and after 20 minutes you look better than Angelina Jolie ever did

   Doing the old "how many women have I slept with" count. God I hate fractions.

   one of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs dtt ny wurs

   life has no remote.change it yourself

   Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   My credit score looks like the speed limit!

   My wife is the most irrational person I've ever met. Well, technically, she's tied for first with every other woman I've met...

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"