Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mention me in your will. Just give me a shout out or something.

   If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

   I'm no zombie, but I do like brain ; )

   My EX is crazy, if her emotions were on my iPod, they would be on shuffle.

   I see Girls trying to break up with their boyfriends now cause the weather changing

   The female body is a grand evolutionary symphony of grace and striking beauty that soothes the tumultuous soul. The male body is umm a body.

   I am as nervous as Oscar Pistorius's mother on Mother's Day.

   I'll bet 9 out of 10 of you guys here have no pants on.

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect

   Im gonna try to lose weight with this new chinese diet, eat all you can... using one chopstick

   Making snow angels & writing Ron Paul underneath because people need to know the truth

   hate when I just get home and can't sleep cuz it's too bright out!

   early reports of an earthquake in LA turned out to just be Kim Kardashian dropping a deuce...

   my favorite part of waking up is calculating how long until I get to go back to sleep...

   some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

   I don't drink no more. I don't drink no less, either...

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   Ouija boards were the first touchscreens

   Women could be hiding unicorns in female restrooms and we would never know.