Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   early reports of an earthquake in LA turned out to just be Kim Kardashian dropping a deuce...

   my favorite part of waking up is calculating how long until I get to go back to sleep...

   some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

   I don't drink no more. I don't drink no less, either...

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   Ouija boards were the first touchscreens

   Women could be hiding unicorns in female restrooms and we would never know.

   I am so tired of doing things with other women that aren't you.

   I saw a couple kissing, giggling, happy, being all lovey dovey with each other while I sat next to them alone. I threw up on them...accidentally

   I wonder how many of you were conceived at an orgy?

   I hear Justin Bieber's live vomit is much better than his studio vomit...

   Benedict XVI won't even be able to sell his hat on eBay. He's closed his papal account...

   I went to an All You Can Eat buffet. It was $10.00. The guy acted all annoyed when I asked him what they had for $20.00.

   Ladies, check your man's balls for lumps...you could save a life.

   Chic-fill-a really does descriminate against gays. Their ketchup packets were super hard for me to open.

   Thanks outlook, but I dont need you to tell me that I have a very clean inbox!

   With the price of gasoline I am willing to take the risk of no ozone layer for old school "Regular" gasoline.

   has the feeling that the Saturday night beer fairy will be visiting shortly.

   They say everybody has at least one gay thought in their lifetime... I told myself as I slowly backed away from Justin Biebers new album

   Photoshop is cool and those Instagram filters are pretty sweet but what are we gonna do about mirrors?