Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if clouds look down on us and say "Hey look! That one looks like an idiot."

   I'm not a "tree hugger", but I'd like for my grandkids to have "oxygen".

   I dropped my cell phone in water. I dried it out in a bag of Uncle Ben's. He stole my minutes.

   Why does a hooker make more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re-sell it!

   this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?

   Ate some bad Indian food... and now I know how to pronounce that symbol that Prince changed his name to.

   I will never go Bungee Jumping. Put all your faith in a piece of Rubber? I got here because of its failure and I don't plan on giving it a chance to take me out!

   I have a drinking problem and don't intend on doing a thing about it!

   If he threw toilet paper, like he did in Puerto Rico, it would be a more useful response than what he has shown thus far.

   There are two things I cannot stand: Racism and Justin Bieber.

   I don't know if this makes me a homophobe or not, but from a guy's perspective, I much prefer the hole to be situated in front.

   Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window.

   Happy President's Day! Time to remember all the great leaders this country has had, and how we've disgraced them by putting Obama in office!!

   arm wrestling the KOOL-AID guy...he's strong! He must be drinking MILK!

   Happy "Most of Alabama Hates This Day" Day!

   I can't believe we wasted star wars technology on tupac

   Has anyone started selling a Ginsberg zombie Halloween costume yet?

   Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

   If my relationship status ever changes from single to married, please know that its not me, my account has been hacked.

   Question, Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?