Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two things I cannot stand: Racism and Justin Bieber.

   I don't know if this makes me a homophobe or not, but from a guy's perspective, I much prefer the hole to be situated in front.

   Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window.

   Happy President's Day! Time to remember all the great leaders this country has had, and how we've disgraced them by putting Obama in office!!

   arm wrestling the KOOL-AID guy...he's strong! He must be drinking MILK!

   Has anyone started selling a Ginsberg zombie Halloween costume yet?

   Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

   Happy "Most of Alabama Hates This Day" Day!

   I can't believe we wasted star wars technology on tupac

   If my relationship status ever changes from single to married, please know that its not me, my account has been hacked.

   Question, Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   Happy St. Hangover's Day, everybody.

   Everyone is wondering which White House room Melania Trump plans to turn into a brazilian wax studio.

   Wonders if Mike Pence sleeps upside down from his ceiling in his house with no furniture.

   Colin Kaepernick must feel more left out than Kunta Kinte at a Country Music festival.

   Girl:i"d French kiss you. Guy: I'd Australian kiss you Girl: What's that? Guy: A french kiss only down under ;)

   If Paris Hilton was a super hero she would be called Wonder why your famous woman!

   Excuse me.....Excuse me.....excuSE ME....MOVE B!TCH!

   Relax people, they made holograms of Tupac, Dick Clark can still appear on New Years Eve.

   Happy Star Wars Day!!! Don't let me catch you making out with your sibling.