Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!

   I don't care if people talk behind my back. It puts them in a better position to kiss my azz.

   "I have your test results," said the doctor. "There's no easy way to tell you this; you are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."

   Babies are ridiculous. Somebody brought one to my grandpa's funeral and it wouldn't stop crying. But it didn't even know him for that long.

   Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.

   Why do midgets laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.

   Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with underwires that lift and separate.

   why are we so mean to Mexico they give us drugs?

   Prius = douchebags gone wild

   Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat

   I am scared... Someday I might just catch flames automatically... Being so hot an all... ;)

   I swear girls can be so ungrateful sometimes, I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of saying "Thank you", she's all like... "How the hell did you get into my house?!?!"

   We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.

   .... Looks like the United States is finally going to get it's chance to become a Marxist Socialist State thanx to the Liberals that run the country. I for one would like to welcome our new task masters ... Guess freedom really wasn't free ...

   "Make America Native Again!"

   If you're looking for a good Trump pee joke, Urine Luck

   SNL is going to be 2hrs long this week!

   LA LA Land won the popular vote.