Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2015 and I still can't believe it's not butter!

   I've survived enough awkward high-fives to know they're not worth the risk

   Bet you I can throw this under inflated football over them mountains...

   Imagine sex with me. Too late. It's over.

   50 Shades of Gray - A canine biography

   I don't get how people get eaten by sharks....I mean how do they not hear the music?

   How do YOU know your baby doesn't like my second hand smoke? It can't even talk yet.

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets.

   I love You Tube. You can look up everthing. It's Google the Movie musical

   We all have a drawer by the sink filled with junk. Can you please check your drawer for a Boeing 777

   New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   "If it wasn't for my faults, I haven't had wisdom today." But, it shouldn’t give you an opportunity to commit more.

   My boss told me "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," "Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I said.

   Manipulating people for your own gain is wrong. Please like if you agree.

   What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were still alive? Scratching on the inside of her coffin lid.

   My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in..

   It's better to be a Yankee than a Limie bastid

   Calm down white girl, you don't possess the proper rhythm to be twerking.

   "What about this? What about this? And this?"--me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.