Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're looking for a good Trump pee joke, Urine Luck

   SNL is going to be 2hrs long this week!

   LA LA Land won the popular vote.

   If you think Mike Pence referring to his wife as mother is disturbing, just wait until you hear what Trump calls Ivanka behind closed doors.

   .... Looks like the United States is finally going to get it's chance to become a Marxist Socialist State thanx to the Liberals that run the country. I for one would like to welcome our new task masters ... Guess freedom really wasn't free ...

   "Make America Native Again!"

   My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   Doctor - "how is your headache" Patient - "She is fine."

   When I first met my wife she told me she was bi. I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.

   I'll tell you. White privilege didn't exist in the high school Phys. Ed. locker room when the bIack guys were around.

   True story: I saw 2 fat guys get in a shoving fight at the donut shop this morning.... Also true: I kept yelling "use your diabetes on him!!"

   The difference between a d*ck and a pen*s is a d*ck pops his collar.

   Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.

   Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!

   I don't care if people talk behind my back. It puts them in a better position to kiss my azz.

   "I have your test results," said the doctor. "There's no easy way to tell you this; you are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."

   Babies are ridiculous. Somebody brought one to my grandpa's funeral and it wouldn't stop crying. But it didn't even know him for that long.

   Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.

   Why do midgets laugh when they run? The grass tickles their balls.

   Alcoholism is a disease. That's why I feel entitled to use the handicap parking spaces when I'm drunk.