Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really spoiled her today. First I bought her a lovely new scent. Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body and then I did the vacuuming and dusting. I f** love my BMW!

   I hope the one night stand was worth the free trip to TGI Friday's and the box of Whitman's Chocolates.

   hardcore pawn...more like, when animals attack

   These American Idol constestants are going down more then a porn star at an orgy.

   For Mardi Gras i'm giving up beads.

   I will be running in a 0.25 mile run in support of people with attention deficit disorder (aka Kardashin Dash)

   Ive been to the good side. The cookies were stale.

   Eating Doritos while copying out my new weights routine. I am a mystery wrapped in an engma dusted in florescent - orange fake cheese powder.

   How can I "Live Like Theres No Tomorrow" if there are freaking rules and laws?

   Let's face it people... Slow an Steady NEVER wins the race... Whoever came up with that quote...Is a idiot!

   Wow...there apparently is a front And back to male thongs.

   My favorite statement to hear from a person walking by: "Hey, sorry, my phone does wierd things to me"

   Poor Kris Humphries. The NBA strike won't allow him to dribble and shoot and neither will Kim Kardashian.

   If I'm ever resurrected after I'm murdered I'm going to be one vengeful b@stard.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right". Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   Teens: being tired is one of your personality traits.

   OMG, I'm going to be so tired in the morning that I'm not going to be able to think...luckily I'll be at work.

   I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, will you be putting this up yourself? NO YOU SICK BASTARD!! I'm putting it up in my living room!

   Feeling self conscious? Just watch me "walk" on stairs! My bad knees makes newborn giraffes look like ballerinas.