Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't say I hope you choke on your next meal. I said, I hope theres some reruns of Ally McBeal. Silly. -when adult rhymes save marriages

   Can't decide what underwear to answer the door in tonight.

   If you advertise your presumably better tv on my old tv and I indeed see how quality your tv is, doesn't that mean my tv is just as good?

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   Chinese smog drifting east and is now covering parts of California. Yet another American icon has been outsourced.

   Tired of forgetting people's names as soon as they introduce themselves? Fix it by staying home and never meeting anyone new.

   I'm okay with dying alone as long as I can have pizza and vodka along the way.

   A flower delivery van pulled up in front of my house, slowed down, went past and then stopped at my 80 year old neighbor's house. HUGE bouquet of red roses with baby's breath...sigh. So close...

   Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

   What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?

   bail money, check, mankini, check, whipped cream, check, jelly wrestling for dummies guide book, check, stubbie holder, check, panadole, check......... Cairns here I come.

   it's impossible to fool-proof anything because fools are so ingenious.

   I've been embraced by reality... does anyone know how to make it let go?

   Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

   If I do enough different things in enough different ways, I may, eventually, do something right.

   NBA rookie of the year was video taped doing 120 mph. In his defense, he claimed that he was being chased by Maury Povich.

   Guys, I know when people die they say to move on. I don't want that. Bury me in a time capsule and dig me up every 10 years. NEVER FORGET!

   As a social experiment next semester, I'm going to walk up to strangers and follow them.

   Hacking and coughing with this cold. If I hack up a lung can it be sold on the black market?

   No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.