Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.

   So when you have to leave for the airport at 3 AM is it better to snort ground coffee straight or just let Jesus take the wheel?

   "Nobody eats just one bowl of Skittles. I should know." -Chris Christie

   Hello darkness my old friend, shall we spoon?

   Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.

   It is so hot today that the Presbyterians are issuing rain checks, the Methodists have begun using wet wash cloths, the Baptists have resorted to sprinkling and the Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.

   I wish I loved exercise as much as I love napping: 3 times a day and eating 5 times the suggested serving size

   EMINEM: My symptoms: palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, and I threw up Mom's spaghetti WEB MD: you have cancer

   Puppet theft is getting out of hand!

   New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .

   Some girl on Facebook just posted "I'm so happy right now that nothing can bring me down!" Should I tell her about gravity?

   I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.

   I voted...for Medical Marijuana.

   But if you can't see your Christmas decorations from space, do you really love Jesus?

   So .... accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who screamed he was NOT happy. I yelled back: "Well then, which one are you?"

   My dad said to my mom, "I'm done with you, I'm going to date this pillow. I'm naming it Sophia!" My mom says, "You could do better." My dad says, "Stop it you don't even know her!" My mom goes, "I was talking to Sophia."

   my stock portfolio tanked again.....can I get a welfare check?

   Q: why are your eyes covered in ketchup? A: because Heinz sight is 20/20.

   Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but they forgot to mention Morons.

   i saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to unwanted.