Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"-Pierce Morgan

   They call her “SWITCH” because anyone can turn her on.

   still think that Carlos Santana looks exactly like Muammar Gaddafi...Carlos Santana better be laying low for a while until this whole thing settles down

   Dr. Phil is human garbage and he should have hot sauce poured into every orfice of his body, then be given an ice cold shower and forced to stay in it for a couple hours.

   It's too bad that everyone that has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the Internet.

   Just walk up to a blonde and tell her to say "Alpha kenny Body" really fast.

   I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/

   I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.

   I hate people who say, “Talk to me I am bored”. STFU, do I look like I was put on this planet to entertain you?

   She asked me how to spell slut. So I helped her spell her name.

   Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!

   Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

   Great news! I'm declaring a national strike. Nobody go to work.

   Judging by the hair on the furniture, I'm surprised I have any cat left at all.

   Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? A: FULL!!!

   Larry Page : So we need cellphones? Go buy Motorola. Secretary : Ok (10 mins later) Secretary : Bought it. Larry : ok...which model ? ......Secretary : Model ?

   McDonald's Happy Meal. A tiny burger, 8 fries, a sip of Coke, and a cheap 2¢ toy. Happy? Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

   I said "I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger." He responded, "No. a normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?"

   I recently visited a mental asylumn, and I asked the director "how can you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?" He said, "Well, we fill a bathtub with water, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub." I sa

   thinking about creating a whole new crime. I'm gonna start a counterfeit prostitution ring. I see a lot of money and no jail time coming my way.