Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts…

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   The human mind and spirit seek answers revealed in truth, yet ultimately find little more than contradictions, falsehoods and lies.

   Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐

   Have you noticed how much tires cost these days? Is that because of inflation or what?

   Forget the past for you cannot change it. Forget the future for you cannot predict it. And while you're at it forget the present because I didn't get you one this year.

   Since the beginning of the corvid the closest thing to a vacation I've been taking is by logging out of my unpaid job at facebook.

   Facebook: Where content takes a back seat to cleavage.

   Just because you had an arugment doesn't mean you are fighting. Frickin' dramatic people!

   Doing the Chipotle cleanse.

   A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

   There's only three things I wanna win at 1) Life 2) beer Pong 3) Video Games

   If you are in very psychological relationship... Make sure (s)he's psycho and you're logical

   Ask your doctor before taking alcohol 7 nights a week if you're pregnant, nursing, or want to have any liver left in 20 years.

   Mud, Dirt, Poop, Grease and crude oil baby! Okay, I'm done talking dirty... let's have sex....

   It is better to have loathed and lost, than never to have loathed at all.

   Living with someone means sex on demand. Is the myth.

   Help me find the exit! I'm trying to escape from reality!