Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Though I was shuffling at work, turns out it was an earthquake..

   You can't really blame Noah for not knowing the two unicorns were gay.

   “You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can't you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

   I think “Recession” is when your neighbor loses his job. “Depression” is when you lose yours. And “Recovery” is when Obama loses his.

   Ever noticed that things are so much funnier when you're not supposed to laugh and you know it's so wrong to?!

   A slut is simply a woman with the morals of a man.

   Earthquake- 1 ......my pants- 0 .....who knew that the earthquake would cause a mudslide.........

   When I ask my deaf girlfriend to have sex, I make her tug my pen!s once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you.

   I had sex with an ohmless person last night. There was very little resistance. (most of you will be too dumb to get this)

   If you get any dumber, you might wanna put your helmet on.

   President Obama felt the Virginia Earthquake at the White House where he said it was centered on the George Bush Fault Line.

   Life is what you make it! I made it into a bottle of booze and chugged the whole bottle in one sitting and then threw the bottle at a tree.

   You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

   There was just a 5.8 earthquake in Washington. Obama wanted it to be 3.4, but the Republicans wanted 5.8, so he compromised.

   feel so dissed the earthquake missed me. anyone else wanna rock my world?

   in support of our brothers and sisters who just experienced the earthquake on the east coast, I think all west coasters should have the rest of the day off!!!

   I think Haiti should send Washington money for the next 19 months now!

   Did anyone else feel that? Oprah must be fat again

   so east coast wasnt suppose to get a slip in the fault for another few hundred years.. the world is coming to an end now. earthquakes=funtimes