Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   whats the difference between a plane & in-laws? the whole world is worried about a plane when it's missing

   At what point does the amount of abnormal in your life become so great that abnormal is your new normal?

   Women who believe 'the way to a man's heart is through his stomach' is why divorce lawyers are so rich.

   Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.

   The nice thing about picking up hitch hikers is that you can use the car pool lane before they kill you.

   Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

   There are some souls you meet and you know right away you'll love them forever and laugh together in heaven or fry together in hell.

   That sounds fried. I'll take it.

   Batman and Robin were the pioneers of the yoga pants!

   Dating tip: gently but quickly place her in the trunk before she asks any questions like, who are you?

   Know what's sexy? Not waking me up.

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's in the sink.

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's stuck in the sink.

   I was like, "Whoa, taco-flavored yogurt"....

   Do I have a date for Valentine's day? Yes, It's February 14th!

   Pornhub should promise to plant a tree for every 100 videos watched....

   Taylor Swift doesn't necessarily need 10 Grammy awards, when we have starving artists like Kanye West.

   It's weird to think that before Facebook and social media all these dumb thoughts stayed in people's heads = But that's none of my business.

   Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money

   ( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .