Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4565 of 6369
Ambition, is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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01-30-2020 08:05 by Rockpile
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Folks who cheat on their taxes distress me greatly. This is NOT the world in which I want to raise my 26 dependents.
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02-02-2020 16:40 by Fazzy
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I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.
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02-17-2020 08:01 by Fazzy
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There will soon come a day when the only thing we'll use modern technology for is to reminisce about how good things were before modern technology.
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02-19-2020 12:44 by Fazzy
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I have an appointment this morning to see a child psychologist. But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?
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02-21-2020 06:29
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eerie parallel ... in Cast Away, Tom Hanks was stranded on a distant island with only Wilson to keep him company ... now, Tom Hanks in is quarantine on a distant island with only Wilson to keep him company.
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03-12-2020 11:41
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I have a sore throat, a headache and a dry cough. We all know what that means. I'm never buying weed from Alowishus Jackson again.
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03-18-2020 06:20 by Fazzy
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
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03-23-2020 14:23
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Fake Christian below.
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03-27-2020 20:05
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I haven't watched this much TV since the "All Day Saturday Cartoon Marathon" when I was 8.
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03-31-2020 19:55 by Fazzy
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I'd absolutely watch a TV show where people are forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks.
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04-16-2020 16:51
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If a fart can go through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you from Covid? Asking for a friend...
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04-28-2020 19:07
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Good morning. Okay so money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy bacon. Close enough.
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05-08-2020 10:38 by Fazzy
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Happy Mothers Day, the day after
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05-11-2020 12:39
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It's hard to stay in your lane when your life is an endless multi-lane highway.
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05-11-2020 13:27 by Fazzy
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A hookah is just a glorified bong.
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05-19-2020 20:13
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I'm into body building. When you consider that the body I built is a rotunda.
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06-07-2020 13:15 by Fazzy
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Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"
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06-17-2020 06:54 by Fazzy
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The Illuminati have planted facial recognition cameras everywhere and the only way to stop them from tracking your every movment is by wearing a mask over your face. Tell everyone!!
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06-30-2020 00:26
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DNA is so detailed, that it directs hairs where to grow on your nut sack.
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07-10-2020 20:45
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