Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hears Gold dropped 104.00 per ounce today...let's start working on the economic bail-out package for Mr. T.

   iWon't make any lame Steve Jobs jokes

   Eminem and Bruno Mars mixed together would a yummy candy bar

   i go through my "friends who are on chat" list and see whose on thinking to myself which ones I would have sex with

   Most memorable quote by a mother: "Waldo, just where the hell have you been?"

   My redneck cousin from Virginia ordered a shake at the McDonald's drive-thru just seconds before the quake hit. Said he never expected such fast service.

   My list of things that are great: bills, traffic, the NBA lockout, the recession, Obama's plans.... Oh! and sarcasm.

   I don't like bragging, hipsters, but wearing ugly clothes that don't fit was my thing in 3rd grade. Also dumb glasses and bad music.

   Fellas--you CAN be friends with women, but if she's got those eyes that awaken the beast within, then relax and go see a movie by yourself.

   Dear Eminem and Bruno Mars - while I really enjoy your new song, I cant help thinking that a 'Sky Full of Lighters' is pretty much a fire hazard just waiting to happen. Didn't think that one through, did you?

   "Marriage" - Betting someone half your sh!t that you'll love them forever

   a man with a plan. Granted my plan involves beer, strippers and chicken wings but a plan none the less.

   why marry and make one woman happy when you can remain single and make many Women Happy........???

   I love it when a girl smiles, she looks beautiful but when she makes a duck face... honestly, she looks like a duck

   It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.

   Prostitutes are born when you give goodwill all your slutty clothes.

   I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.

   Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

   Seismologists have determined that the earthquake in Washington,D.C. was not caused by a fault line, but by our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!!!!

   Imagine a guy trying to run upstairs while wearing roller blades. That's my life