Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The hurricane is losing strength, damn. I was hoping for a new boat in my front yard.

   for your information, I only had 1 winekiller captain buzzcooler!

   the worst part about volunteering at a multiple personality disorder meeting is the time it takes filling out all the name tags

   Did you hear? Hurricane Irene is going to slam into New York City like Lindsay Lohan slamming into the sidewalk in front of a nightclub.

   I'm about to head to the bar and pretend to be blind so women will let me touch their faces.... good times...

   Dear Hurricane Irene please spare all my friends that live on the east coast, my heart and prayers go out to them, but if you make land fall in the New Jersey shore area, please take Snooki and the cast of Jersey Shore out to sea with you. Thanks' a bu

   When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.”

   i just found a web site where you can see women with no clothes on not even underwear! brb!

   It's not that big women aren't attractive, I just don't think my pick up line could hold the weight.

   I should try my hand at high stakes poker because I'm pretty good at keeping a straight face when knowingly using an expired coupon.

   Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA

   "I enjoy short walks to the fridge" - Fat people personal ads

   Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did!

   hates that epic fail of not removing a yoghurt top in one piece!

   When the public restroom is out of paper towels, I slap strangers on the back and tell them "good game" until my hands are dry.

   Just bought an old ice cream truck, gonna go drive around later today selling bread and water. Just need to figure out what jingle to play on the radio.......

   since I am unemployed I tell everyone "this is my Friday" all day everyday so at least I get some cheap thrill out of dying alone

   People say that you chew ice cubes when your sexually frustrated: Related News, I am responsible for the shrinking Ice caps.

   I'm a walking Economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of the two is putting me into a deep depression!

   My sleep number is 80 proof..