Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was also once considered a "big f**king deal" by Vice President Joe Biden.

   Ok ladies, you've had your protest in Washington DC, enough, now get back to work, cleaning and cooking.

   Breaking news: George Zimmerman to throw out first pitch at tonights All star game

   Some girls are like a blunt... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   Atheist don't hate unicorns or fairys or leprechauns because you can't hate something that isn't real. Atheist hate God because He is real.

   me:" cant come in to work today. I slipped in a snail trail and broke me ankle" boss:"on a nature hike?" me:"no walked in front of a theater playing 50 shades of gray"

   What you call vocabulary, others may call jargon, gibberish, lingo or slang...but its all the same to me.

   FACT: Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

   I like my women the same way I like my suits...Double-Breasted!

   After the lost of Whitney Houston in the bath tub, one would think Bobbie Kristina would...perhaps stay clear of tubs and spend more time in the shower instead.

   Morley Safer contributes exponentially more to societal advancement, and gets only a few mentions in the press. Prince, who basically was a fruitcake who could play a guitar solo, is still getting press.

   I was afraid the first time I went parachuting. The instructor said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun doesn't shine. I jumped. A little.

   I chose not to drive the Lambo today.... because I don't own one

   I like my wife how I like my girlfriend....horny and home every other day.

   peta=people eating tasty animals.

   Hummer: The best way to prove that you can have money AND bad taste.

   Prostate cancer. What color bracelet do I buy to support you?

   Blonde sluts out here think STD stands for "Suck that d*ck"

   Breaking News: Tigers around the world have united to argue the point that Charlie Sheen must be on illegal drugs. They claim that they have tiger's blood flowing in their veins and they don't act that crazy.

   My parents are gone! I should do something crazy that I'm not allowed to do!... *Drinks milk straight from the carton*.... God I'm so badass.