Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sometimes you can sneak the tight end in the back" that sounded so dirty!

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

   Got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust

   I just like the fact that Shotgunese is a universal language. Not every intruder will know enough of your native tongue to understand "Stop or I'll shoot!", but all of us know enough Shotgunese to understand "cha-shick".

   the band Nine Inch Nails should change their name to 'No Amount of Toilet Paper Helps'

   If you need more instructions, please refer to the users manual, or put your hands together, bow your head and contact tech support!

   What would have happened if Libya's main export product was broccoli?

   Sunglasses; they allow you to stare at people without being caught..

   This is your status on the old FB. ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ʍǝu ǝɥʇ uo snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ....Any questions?

   RIP Steve Jobs. Thanks for making the apple more than just afruit.

   According to the Virgin mobile commercials I have a stalker that loves to watch me sleep and hide in my closet...

   I called the geek squad and they asked"what were you doing when you caught the virus?"I say"well I wasn't reading the Bible online geek!

   When you told me you wanted me, I totally should have gone for it....I miss my stalker :-(

   Looks like bin laden picked the wrong day to try on his British army gear...

   My life must be a circus. My family expects me to jump through hoops, the people I work with are clowns, I'm juggling career and personal life, and the whole darn thing is a balancing act!

   Keep looking my way, My head is held high! You wanna bring me down? I dare you to try!

   just saw George Washington advertised for deadliest warriors I think they're running out of warriors

   If I see one more picture of how many degrees your vehicle says it is outisde...

   My girl and I are like oil and vinegar. We have to shake things up to make it work.

   A dentist married a manicurist, They fought tooth and nail.