Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its National Regret-Your-TATTOO DAY. (Not really but it cant be too far off)

   buying illegal things on the internet.

   Never kick a fresh terd on a hot day!

   real soon i'll need a better excuse than "sorry i'm trapped in the chilean mines right now"...

   I've got the 28th pick in my Fantasy Chilean miner league. Let's hope there's some good ones still down there.

   God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

   just getting jiggy with it!

   Stay classy Facebook.

   ...so you're talking and you feel like no one's listening at all? rip off a good loud fart. that'll get everybody's attention!

   Some git has stolen a pair of my wifes knickers of the washing line shes not bothered just wants the 22 pegs back

   a woman may be as wicked as she likes, but unless she is pretty it will not do her any good

   On FB I took "How Many Sexual Partners You Have in 2009/2010" quiz. Result:"None, because your lame a*s spends too much time taking douchey a*s surveys on Facebook when you should probably be at the bar looking for women who leave their drinks unattended

   Hold your mother today, she was the first to hold you, she held you for 9 months.

   just gave the neighbour's kid a serving. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"...so I threw a dictionary at him.

   Summer! Summer! Summer.. you make us beautiful and free spirited! ☼

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

   I hate when people say "have a nice day." Like I'm gonna be in anguish later then think "Oh yeah, Truck Driver guy told me to have a nice day."

   Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.....and who said statistics don't have a beginning, middle, and end.

   not saying my ex was dumb, but she poured the Frosted Flakes on the dining room table because she thought it was a tiger puzzle...