Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May I suggest johnny walker. At least you go down in style !

   There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car with cold feet and having dog sh*t on your shoes :/

   Winning is addicted to me...

   i hate when I delete and add someones phone number so many times that I memorize it

   People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

   watching relationships fall apart on fb is one of my favorite hobbies

   Women: I can't live with them and I can't be straight without them..

   If Adele's doctor didn't say "the baby looks healthy rolling in the deep" at least once, she needs to find another doctor.

   In Dumb People News: 3 Dudes tried to rob a Redbox last night for the Money inside of it..

   G0D has granted me the Midas Touch. So far today, everything I've touched has turned to gold. Wha? Oh. Heh heh. No more Cheetos for breakfast.

   when I make love, I like to do so to the sounds of the Star Trek theme, so that way the girl feels she's going to a place where no other girl has gone before

   it looks like all the insurance companies are trying to see who can have the worst commercials...

   People ask why I get hot women. I do not have a large pen!$...it's small, but it can talk and is very complimentary.

   You can leave your hat on, but definitely not your socks.

   Facebook has added a new feature. It's called "Log Out." Why don't you try it and take your negabot attitude with you.

   I don't sweat...Sweating is for people who do something.

   It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   Come to my naughty corner, I will teach you wrong from right...

   I have finally come to the conclusion that it's not the drink that causes hangovers. It's the sleep.

   Has the new Pope made a Harlem Shake video yet?