Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The more someone says, “you know,” the more I begin to feel better about myself.

   I've been married for "discuss grocery list during sex" years.

   Whenever I want to lift my spirits, I use a shot of whiskey.

   "How much for the super-cool fanny pack?" "Ma'am, that's a colostomy bag."

   "Everything you do bothers me." A love story.

   I just got stuck in my office chair, and now I'm breathing into a paper bag..

   playing my favorite game today, Gun Shots or Fireworks?

   There may be a bunch of Princesses that follow me... But only one I'd fight dragons for.

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download beer.

   I don't want to brag but I was the best Nintendo game blower in history.

   If horror movies have taught us anything its that white folks like to check out strange noises first at all times before assuming its means them harm. So Oscar's story does not add up at all.

   Upside to working out: Women actually acknowledge my existence. Downside: I have to learn how to react to women acknowledging my existence.

   I am always either sleep deprived, sex deprived, food deprived or all of the above

   Girls who cut your shorts so that your pockets show. Why not just cut off the pockets? What are you hiding? Snacks? Tell me it's snacks.

   FACT: I prefer Dairy Queen Blizzards than hearing you constantly complain about how Monday's suck.

   Drinking decaffeinated coffee is like going to a brothel for a hug.

   Chicken is better than that girl who said she will die for you. Chicken actually died for you. Chicken is true love.

   Fuller House is a wonderful show, let's hope Netflix comes out with another one called Married With Grandchildren.

   I think I got a textually transmitted disease from unprotected Facebook poking!

   Kanye West: My genitals smell like fire and I cannot find my pants.