Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   G0D has granted me the Midas Touch. So far today, everything I've touched has turned to gold. Wha? Oh. Heh heh. No more Cheetos for breakfast.

   when I make love, I like to do so to the sounds of the Star Trek theme, so that way the girl feels she's going to a place where no other girl has gone before

   it looks like all the insurance companies are trying to see who can have the worst commercials...

   People ask why I get hot women. I do not have a large pen!$...it's small, but it can talk and is very complimentary.

   You can leave your hat on, but definitely not your socks.

   Facebook has added a new feature. It's called "Log Out." Why don't you try it and take your negabot attitude with you.

   I don't sweat...Sweating is for people who do something.

   It is what it is, it was what it was, and it shall be what it shall be.

   Come to my naughty corner, I will teach you wrong from right...

   I have finally come to the conclusion that it's not the drink that causes hangovers. It's the sleep.

   Has the new Pope made a Harlem Shake video yet?

   I'm going to drink so much that I find that pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

   I'm so used to the google search bar finshing my thoughts for me I can barely complete a....... Wait what was my point again???

   When I need you, I just close my eyes and down some painkillers with a glass of vodka on the rocks- and suddenly I don`t need you anymore.

   My son's Parrot just tweeted about his current living conditions!

   Why are the same people that complain about all the Wal Marts okay with a Starbucks on every block??

   I wonder if werewolves in london howl with a proper accent

   You lost me at 'sober friends only', you unrealistic douche.

   Shouldn't love handles really be called hate handles since nobody really wants them?

   You can't control love. That's the best and worst part of it.