Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women claim to watch movies for the intellectual content.... please explain Magic Mike. It hasn't even been released yet, and I'm scared to sit in theater seats!

   When I was young I thought the Nobel prize was something they gave you at Noble Roman's pizza.

   We need to find Heman, he has all the power.

   I get my revenge by sneaking into ladies public toilets at night and lifting all the toilet seats up.

   Dear Lionel Richie, what do woman have to do three times to make them a lady? Asking for slut.

   it just me or does the site of Nancy Grace pontificating on TV make me want to inject my eyeballs with lye....

   Sometimes, when I'm confused, scared and lonely in the hood, I ask myself what would Jay Z do…

   Please don't tell me how this p0rn scene ends!!!

   My sons argue n fight all day n never share. Y'all shared a womb and before that a sack now you can't share a friggin bag of chips ugggghh

   when someone in a heated argument turns to me and says "You agree with me right?" What they are really asking is "Am I going to have to yell at you like this dumba$$ over here?"

   I am sad to report, that counting down very quickly does NOT speed up the microwave.

   having a one night stand.......because all my furniture has been repossesed and I've got nowhere to sit or rest!

   Best friends in life are those who stand behind you during bad times… To know who our best friends are, just look at your marriage photo album…

   Get out of the basement and enjoy your day, nerds, for tommorrow we're drinking Tequila and kicking your a$$e$!!

   Ugh, I hate my voice on tape. It always sound so r@cist.

   I have heard of women that aren't crazy, but I've also heard of Unicorns.

   Glad the Facebook IPO finally gave Zuckerburg enough money to buy...sorry! I meant find, the mail order bride he always wanted.

   Hey people that make socks..can you make them so they last more then 3 times worn..!

   seriously thinking about opening a midget strip club with a midget stripper pole and all

   Just got a free bowl of soup with this awesome hat I just bought!