Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Netflix would work great as a college dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who also watched Pokemon for 12 hours straight"

   I selfie-a-day so people don't think I died.

   I must not be real stupid, television has not made me famous yet!

   Good thing that elevator door opened when it did. I had Solange ahead by 10 points after the first round.

   Me: Am I unattractive? Husband: No. You're annoying, but definitely not unattractive. That'll work.

   If it isn't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over again.

   my friends think there is something wrong with me, where's all the funny stuff?

   Another phrase/saying I do not understand : Some people are real a$$holes. Is that any different from a fake a$$hole. . .

   I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."

   Just finished shoveling 6 inches of snow off my lawn. Then I mowed it.

   It's only 5:00 PM, but I guess I better start my Christmas shopping. Liquor store, here I come.

   He said: Am I the first one to sleep in your bed? She said: Well...., if you actually fall asleep then yeah.

   January is what Monday would look like if it grew up.

   I came, I saw, I screamed "How the hell do I get out of here?"

   Girl stop spilling your crazy all over me!

   Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.

   Boy, I'd hate to be your therapist. -All my friends

   I bet valet parking would make you rich in Atlanta Ga right now!

   Joe Namath drunk again

   cant wait for spring