Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download beer.

   I don't want to brag but I was the best Nintendo game blower in history.

   If horror movies have taught us anything its that white folks like to check out strange noises first at all times before assuming its means them harm. So Oscar's story does not add up at all.

   Upside to working out: Women actually acknowledge my existence. Downside: I have to learn how to react to women acknowledging my existence.

   I am always either sleep deprived, sex deprived, food deprived or all of the above

   Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

   I'm not ignoring you any more or less than you're ignoring me. . .

   Jesus needs your money, but send it to me. ~ False Prophets.

   I'm giving up sex with my husband for lent.

   Considering the hours I keep. I am awake while you sleep. Incase of a national disaster leave me your numbers and I will call you to wake you up so you can evacuate. . .

   To me, the Poke feature is a litmus test to weed out the easy going girls from the uptight Medusa types.

   Los Angeles area McDonald's spared no expense promoting Shamrock Shakes yesterday.

   On a scale of 1 to "Get out you're fired" where does napping at work rank?

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time.

   I was gonna tell you that you're an idiot, but I think I'll just let my silence do the talking.

   I'm just here for the friend zones.

   When starting a new relationship it's important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.

   Some people fight for their instincts even stronger than they fight for their principles.

   Coffee will never tell me I had too much to drink last night, unlike some people in this house

   All of me wants none of you.