Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time.

   I was gonna tell you that you're an idiot, but I think I'll just let my silence do the talking.

   I'm just here for the friend zones.

   When starting a new relationship it's important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.

   Some people fight for their instincts even stronger than they fight for their principles.

   Coffee will never tell me I had too much to drink last night, unlike some people in this house

   All of me wants none of you.

   I think Netflix would work great as a college dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who also watched Pokemon for 12 hours straight"

   I selfie-a-day so people don't think I died.

   I must not be real stupid, television has not made me famous yet!

   Good thing that elevator door opened when it did. I had Solange ahead by 10 points after the first round.

   Me: Am I unattractive? Husband: No. You're annoying, but definitely not unattractive. That'll work.

   If it isn't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over again.

   my friends think there is something wrong with me, where's all the funny stuff?

   Another phrase/saying I do not understand : Some people are real a$$holes. Is that any different from a fake a$$hole. . .

   I love Instagram's new direct messaging feature because I've always thought, "If only this picture of someone's dinner was just for me."

   Just finished shoveling 6 inches of snow off my lawn. Then I mowed it.

   It's only 5:00 PM, but I guess I better start my Christmas shopping. Liquor store, here I come.

   He said: Am I the first one to sleep in your bed? She said: Well...., if you actually fall asleep then yeah.

   January is what Monday would look like if it grew up.